


Trolleo and Juliet

by Eclaire-de-Lune (RoyalHeather)



Series: Shakespearestuck [2]
Category: Homestuck, Romeo And Juliet - Shakespeare
Genre: Arranged Marriage, F/M, Fake Character Death, Fencing, Poison, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-11
Updated: 2013-09-04
Packaged: 2017-12-19 04:42:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 26
Words: 14,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/879593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoyalHeather/pseuds/Eclaire-de-Lune
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is not a romance. This was never a romance. This is a tale of desperation and bad decisions. Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, cast with Homestuck characters. The Montagues are trolls and the Capulets humans. Starring Karkat as Romeo, Jade as Juliet, Gamzee as Benvolio, Sollux as Mercutio, and Dave as Tybalt, featuring Andrew Hussie as the Chorus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Cast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dancestors have chumhandles the reverse of their descendant's.

[NAMES OF THE ACTORS

ROMEO [CG]  
LORD MONTAGUE, his father [TA]  
LADY MONTAGUE, his mother [AA]   
BENVOLIO, Lord Montague's nephew [TC]  
ABRAM, servingtroll of the Montagues [CT]  
BALTHASAR, servingtroll to Romeo [AC]

JULIET [GG]  
LORD CAPULET, her father [EB]  
LADY CAPULET, her mother [TT]  
TYBALT, Lady Capulet's nephew [TG]  
JULIET'S NURSE [TG]  
PETER, servingman of the Capulets [TT]  
SAMPSON, servingman of the Capulets [GT]  
GREGORY, servingwoman of the Capulets [GG]

ESCALUS, Prince of Verona [GC]  
COUNTY PARIS, her kinstroll [CA]  
MERCUTIO, her kinstroll [TA]

FRIAR LAURENCE [GA]  
FRIAR JOHN [CC]  
AN APOTHECARY [AG]   
FIRST WATCHTROLL [CG]   
SECOND WATCHTROLL [AG] 

CHORUS [Andrew Hussie] 

SCENE: Verona, Mantua]


	2. Prologue

PROLOGUE. Enter Chorus.

There’s these two families in Verona, both equally rich and dignified. However, they’re stuck in a generations-old feud, which means they keep fighting each other in public. The children of these two families, though, will fall in love and end up killing themselves. Thanks to this tragedy, the parents will stop fighting with each other. That’s basically what you’re going to be seeing onstage for the next two hours, so if you missed anything during this prologue, just pay attention and you’ll hear it anyway.

Exit.


	3. Act I, Scene 1

I.1 Enter  Sampson [GT] and  Gregory [GG].

GT: I say gregory. I wont stand for any more slanderous insults.   
GG: Uh-huh.  
GT: You know that once angered i strike with all the deadly speed of lightning!  
GG: Yeah, but you’re not quickly moved to strike.  
GT: A troll of the house of Montague moves me.  
GG: To move is to stir, and to be valiant is to stand. Therefore, if you’re moved, you run away.   
GT: Why gregory! I find that importunes greatly on my honor.  
GG: Look out! Here come two Montague servants.  
Enter  Abram [CT] and Balthasar [AC].  
GT: Take them on! Have no fear old chum ive got your back.  
GG: You’re just going to run away.  
GT: What an appalling suggestion!  
GT: Heres an idea. Why dont we let them start the confrontation first. I will bite my thumb at them which is a disgrace to them if they bear it.  
CT: D --> Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?  
GT: Is the law on our side if i say ay?  
GG: No.  
GT: I do not bite my thumb at you.  
GT: But i do bite my thumb.  
GG: Do you quarrel, sir?   
CT: D --> Quarrel, sir?   
CT: D --> No, sir   
GG: But if you do, I am for you. I serve as good a man as you.   
CT: D --> No better  
GT: Yes better.  
CT: D --> You lie  
GT: Draw your sword if you be a man! Gregory remember your swashbuckling blow!  
They fight. Enter Benvolio [TC].  
TC: wOaH mY bRoThErS wHaT’s AlL tHe MoThErFuCkInG rUcKuS.  
TC: AiN’t No CaUsE tO bE uP aNd SpIlLiNg ThAt RiGhTeOuS bLoOd.  
Enter Tybalt [TG].  
TG: haha are you even bothering to fight these losers  
TG: just turn around nice and easy son  
TG: prepare to fight the big boy  
TC: wHoA hEy BrO jUsT tAkE a MoThErFuCkInG cHiLl PiLl.  
TC: AiN’t TrYiNg To Do AnYtHiNg OtHeR tHaN gEt ThEsE bRoThErS hErE tO fInD a LiTtLe MoThErFuCkInG pEaCe.  
TG: oh yeah sure  
TG: you got me real fooled there   
TG: just cut the hippie peace crap okay  
TG: hasnt anyone told you i hate peace with the fiery heat of a thousand desert suns  
TG: just like i hate hell  
TG: all montagues  
TG: and you  
TG: come at me bro  
They fight. Enter Lord Capulet [EB] and Lady Capulet [TT].  
EB: what’s going on?  
EB: get me my hammer!  
TT: Are you sure a crutch wouldn’t be more appropriate.  
EB: a hammer! look, there’s lord montague!  
Enter Lord Montague [AT] and Lady Montague [AA].  
AT: yOU, uHH, vILLAIN cAPULET!  
AT: pLEASE, lET GO OF ME,,  
AA: i really d0nt think fighting is a g00d idea   
Enter Prince Escalus [GC], with her train.  
GC: R3B3LL1OUS SUBJ3CTS 4ND 3N3M13S TO P34C3!   
GC: ON P41N OF TORTUR3 THROW YOUR W34PONS TO TH3 GROUND!  
GC: THR33 T1M3S NOW W3’V3 H4D F1GHT1NG 1N TH3 PUBL1C B3TW33N YOUR TWO HOUS3S MR C4PUL3T 4ND MR MONT4GU3  
GC: TH1S 1S MOST D1SORD3RLY!  
GC: 1F 4NYON3 D1STURBS TH3 P34C3 4G41N 1 W1LL H4V3 TH3M 3X3CUT3D  
GC: NOW 3V3RYBODY L34V3  
GC: MR C4PUL3T COM3 W1TH M3  
GC: 4ND MR MONT4GU3 1 3XP3CT TO S33 YOU L4T3R TH1S 4FT3RNOON   
GC: ONC3 MOR3 ON P41N OF D34TH 4LL M3N D3P4RT!  
Exeunt all but Lord Montague, Lady Montague, and Benvolio.  
AT: wHO, uHH,, sTARTED ALL THIS,  
AT: bENVOLIO, dO YOU KNOW?  
TC: aW sHiT yEaH i CaN tElL yOu.  
TC: I wAs JuSt WaLkInG dOwN tHe StReEt MiNdInG mY oWn BuSiNeSs  
TC: wHeN wHaT dO i MoThErFuCkInG sEe BuT yOuR sErVaNt’S aNd CaPuLeT’s FiGhTiNg It OuT.  
TC: So I wEnT oVeR tO lAy ThE pEaCe DoWn WhEn AlL oF a SuDdEn ThAt MoThErFuCkEr TyBaLt ShOwS uP  
TC: sWoRd DrAwN aNd EvErYtHiNg  
TC: AnD tRiEs To KiLl Me It’S a MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLe I dIdN’t BiTe ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg DuSt MaN.  
AA: d0 y0u kn0w where r0me0 is  
TC: yEs, Ma’Am, I dO.   
TC: EaRlY tHiS mOrNiNg ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg MoOd ToOk Me FoR a StRoLl  
TC: aNd OuTsIdE tHe CiTy WhO dId I sEe BuT oUr LiTtLe NuBbY-hOrNeD bRo StEaLiNg InTo ThE wOoDs.   
TC: I fIgUrEd ThE dUdE nEeDeD a LiTtLe MoThErFuCkInG aLoNe TiMe So I dIdN’t FoLlOw HiM   
TC: lOoKeD lIkE sOmEtHiNg WaS aLl Up AnD uPsEtTiNg HiM tHoUgH. :o(  
AT: hE LIKES TO GO THERE, iN THE MORNINGS, a LOT,  
AT: aND IS ALWAYS, vERY UPSET,,  
AT: bUT AS SOON AS IT’S DAYLIGHT HE LOCKS, uH, hIMSELF IN HIS ROOM,  
AT: aND BARS THE WINDOWS,,  
TC: Do YoU kNoW wHaT’s AlL uP aNd FuCkInG wItH hIs ThInKpAn? :O(  
AT: nO,,  
AT: aND HE WON’T, tELL ME EITHER,,  
AT: }:(  
Enter Romeo [CG].  
TC: hEy LoOk HeRe He CoMeS nOw  
TC: MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLe  
TC: dOn’T yOu WoRrY i’Ll FiGuRe OuT wHaT’s GoT hIm Up AnD bOtHeReD  
AT: i, uHH, rEALLY HOPE SO,  
AT: lET’S GO,,  
Exeunt Lord Montague and Lady Montague.  
TC: HeEeEeEeEy MoThErFuCkInG bEsT cUz :O)  
CG: FUCK OFF.   
TC: aWwWw DiDn’T wAnT nOtHiNg BuT tO wIsH mY fAvOrItE cOuSiN a HaPpY mOrNiNg.  
CG: DON’T TRY TO PULL THAT DOPEY GUILT-TRIP SHIT ON ME. I’M YOUR ONLY COUSIN.  
CG: IT’S STILL ONLY MORNING? FUCK.  
TC: HeLl YeAh It’S mOrNiNg.  
TC: lIsTeN tO aLl ThEm MoThErFuCkInG bIrDs ChIrPiNg AwAy.   
TC: DoEsN’t JuSt LiStEnInG tO tHeM mAkE a MoThErFuCkEr HaPpY?  
CG: NO.  
CG: JESUS CHRIST, WHAT KIND OF FANTASY RAINBOWDICK FAIRYLAND DID YOU STEP OUT OF?  
TC: aW, cOmE oN.  
TC: GoNnA tElL a FrIeNdLy BrOtHeR wHaT’s TrOuBlInG yOu?  
CG: FUCK NO.  
TC: iS sOmEoNe… In LoVe?  
TC: HoNk :O)  
CG: OUT.  
TC: oF lOvE?  
CG: OUT OF HER FAVOR WHERE I AM IN LOVE.  
TC: Aw ShIt MaN :o(  
TC: tHaT aIn’T nO pLeAsAnT pLaCe To MoThErFuCkInG bE.  
CG: DAMN STRAIGHT IT’S NOT.   
CG: WHAT THE HELL, WHAT HAPPENED HERE?  
CG: NO, DON’T TELL ME. IT WAS ANOTHER FIGHT, RIGHT? ANOTHER FUCKING POINTLESS FIGHT STARTED FOR GOD-KNOWS-WHAT REASON.  
CG: MAYBE A MONTAGUE TRIPPED AND BLAMED IT ON A CAPULET!  
CG: MAYBE A CAPULET WAS WEARING THEIR HAT BACKWARDS!  
CG: BUT WHO FUCKING CARES? AS LONG AS WE GET A CHANCE TO RUN OUR SWORDS INTO EACH OTHER, WHO NEEDS A FUCKING GOOD REASON?  
CG: ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME.  
TC: MoThErFuCkInG nO mAn.   
TC: tHeSe Be MoThErFuCkInG tRuE tEaRs Of SaDnEsS.  
CG: FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, WHY.  
TC: BeCaUsE sOmEtHiNg’S gOt My BeSt LiTtLe CoUsIn AlL uP aNd UpSeT :o(  
CG: YEAH, WELL, THAT’S WHAT LOVE FUCKING DOES.   
CG: I’M LEAVING, SEE YOU LATER.  
TC: nO, wAiT, mAn YoU cAn’T lEaVe Me YeT.  
TC: At LeAsT tElL mE wHaT lItTlE sEnOrItA yOu Up AnD gAvE yOuR hEaRt To.  
CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DO THAT.  
TC: iT aIn’T gOoD fOr A bRoThEr To HaVe A sEcReT lIkE tHaT lYiNg HeAvY oN tHe SoUl.  
TC: Or At LeAsT uP aNd LeT mE iN oN wHy ShE aIn’T hAvInG aNy Of A fInE yOuNg TrOlL sUcH aS yOuRsElF.  
CG: BECAUSE SHE’S SWORN SHE’LL LIVE CHASTE BUT DOESN’T HAVE THE FUCKING DECENCY TO GO INTO A NUNNERY OR SOME SHIT.   
CG: LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF MAKING YOURSELF UP AND DRESSING NICE IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO FUCKING BACKHAND EVERY GUY WHO COMES UP TO YOU?  
TC: sHiT, mAn, ThAt’S rOuGh.  
TC: TeLl YoU wHaT tHoUgH tHeRe’S nOtHiNg To It BuT tO fOrGeT tHaT mOtHeRfUcKiNg BiTcHaSs TeMpTrEsS   
TC: jUsT lEt HeR sLiDe RiGhT oUt Of YoUr ThInKpAn.  
CG: HOW DO I DO THAT.  
CG: APART FROM INGESTING CERTAIN CHEMICALLY DUBIOUS SUBSTANCES.  
TC: HaHaHa MaN i DoN’t MoThErFuCkInG kNoW.  
TC: jUsT cHeCk OuT tHe OtHeR sEnOrItAs AnD fInD aNoThEr OnE yOu LiKe.  
CG: THAT’S NOT GOING TO FUCKING WORK.  
CG: SEE, LOOKING AT OTHER GIRLS WON’T DISTRACT ME, IT’LL JUST MAKE ME COMPARE THEM TO – WELL, HER.   
CG: SO UNLESS YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA, I’M LEAVING.  
TC: HaHa BrO dOn’T yOu MoThErFuCkInG dOuBt Me.

Exeunt.


	4. Act I, Scene 2

I.2 Enter Lord Capulet [EB], County Paris [CA], and Peter [TT]. 

EB: well, montague has to follow the same rules as me.  
EB: besides, it shouldn’t be hard for a couple of old farts like us to keep the peace!  
CA: if i may say so sir you both are pretty classy gentlemen  
CA: an its a fuckin shame youvve been fightin each other so long  
CA but wwhat do you say to my suit  
EB: oh, to marry juliet?   
EB: hmmmmmm.  
EB: well, she’s pretty young you know!  
EB: too young to get married in my opinion.  
CA: theres girls younger than her gettin married  
EB: I know!  
EB: but still.  
EB: she’s my only child and i wouldn’t want to part with her very quickly.  
EB: besides, my consent is only part of it.  
EB: you have to woo the lady, Paris!   
EB: hey, I’ll tell you what.  
EB: i’m having a party at my place tonight. why don’t you come over and see whether you like juliet in comparison with all the other girls there. it’ll be fun!  
EB: hey, you, peter.   
EB: here’s the guest list. go to everyone’s houses and invite them.  
Exit with  Paris.  
TT: Invite everyone who’s on this list, he says.  
TT: Doesn’t he know I can’t fucking read.  
Enter  Benvolio [TC]  and  Romeo [CG].  
TC: nAh, LiStEn BrO, i’M tElLiNg YoU.  
TC: ThE eAsIeSt WaY tO fOrGeT wHo YoU’rE iN lOvE wItH iS tO fAlL iN lOvE wItH sOmEoNe ElSe.  
CG: THAT’S NOT EVEN A FUCKING SOLUTION.  
CG: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU.  
TT: My name’s Peter.  
TT: Can you read?  
CG: YEAH. WHY?  
CG: “SIGNOR MARTINO AND HIS WIFE AND DAUGHTERS; COUNTY ANSELME AND HIS BEAUTEOUS SISTERS; THE LADY WIDOW OF VITRUVIO; SIGNOR PLACENTIO AND HIS LOVELY NIECES; MERCUTIO AND HIS BROTHER VALENTINE; MINE UNCLE CAPULET, HIS WIFE, AND DAUGHTERS; MY FAIR NIECE ROSALINE AND LIVIA; SIGNOR VALENTIO AND HIS COUSIN TYBALT; LUCIO AND THE LIVELY HELENA.”  
CG: WHAT IS THIS, A GUEST LIST? WHOSE HOUSE IS THE FEAST AT?  
TT: At the house of Lord Capulet. And if you’re not a Montague, you’re welcome to come and drink a cup of wine with them as well. Rest you merry.  
Exit.  
TC: hEeEeEy My WiCkEd BrO i SeE wHaT’s GoInG oN.  
TC: ThIs MoThErFuCkInG rOsAlInE iS tHe GiRl YoU’vE gOt YoUr HeArT sEt On, RiGhT?  
TC: lOoK, sHe’S gOiNg To Be At A pArTy AlOnG wItH aLl ThE pReTtIeSt GiRlS iN vErOnA.   
TC: Go ThErE aNd CoMpArE hEr To EvErYoNe ElSe AnD i’Ll MaKe YoU tHiNk YoUr SwAn A cRoW.  
TC: hOnK :o)  
CG: OKAY, YEAH, I’LL FUCKING GO.  
CG: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I’LL PROVE YOU WRONG. IN FACT, I’LL GO *JUST* TO SHOW YOU HOW WRONG YOU ARE AND THAT NO ONE, NO MATTER HOW BEAUTIFUL, COULD STOP ME FROM LOVING ROSALINE. 

Exeunt.


	5. Act I, Scene 3

1.3 Enter  Capulet’s Wife [TT]  and  Nurse [TG].

TT: Nurse, where’s my daughter? Call her for me.  
TG: JUUUUULIIIIIIIEEEET  
TG: JULIET COME HEEEEEEERE  
Enter Juliet [GG].  
GG: who’s calling?  
TG: ur mom  
GG: im here, what is it?  
TT: Nurse, I’d like you to stay – there’s no reason for you to go, you’re privy to all our council. You know how old my daughter is.  
TG: sure do maam  
TG: i can tell her age to the hour   
TG: how long til lammastide  
TT: A fortnight, give or take.  
TG: okay yeah on lammastide shell be 14  
TG: oh man i remember the earthequeake 11 years ago  
TG: id only just waened her the little babbeh   
TG: an we were sittin outside in the sun when BAM  
TG: all of a sudden theres this earthquake   
TG: shakin the dovehouse n everythin  
TG: shit yeah she had to have been 3  
TG: cuz she was walkin and standin on her own  
TG: yeah in fact the day b4 she wuz walkin around and tripped and fell on her face  
TG: and my husband was like ‘ha, ur gonna fall on ur face  
TG: when ur smarter youll learn to fall on ur back  
TG: and ahahahAHAHAHAhaha she just said yes!  
TG: can u believe it  
TG: haha oh god  
TT: Please stop talking.  
TG: righty-o  
TG: oh but wowza that was funny   
TG: ah man im gonna pee hahaha   
GG: shut up! :O  
TG: hey chill im done  
TG: ah man but ur still the gosh-darndest prettiest girl i ever did see  
TG: and if i could live to see you married just ONCE i could die happy  
TT: By a fortunate coincidence, that theme of marriage is exactly what I want to talk about.   
TT: Juliet, how do you feel about getting married?  
GG: ummmmm  
GG: i havent really thought about it much  
TT: Well, start thinking about it now. There’s girls younger than you who are already betrothed, affianced, and as they say, "hitched."  
TT: The valiant Paris would like to marry you.   
TG: paris hot DAMN ;)  
TG: id tap that   
TT: Yes, he’s judged to be very attractive. You can judge yourself tonight, in fact, as he’s coming to the party. I think you’ll find you like him, and that you complement each other as a book and its cover that with gold clasps locks in the golden story. Do you think you can?  
GG: okay, ill check him out, but i cant promise anything!  
Enter  Peter [TT].  
TT: Ma'am, the guests are here, supper served, you called, my young lady asked for, the nurse cursed in the pantry, and everything pretty much just going to shit. I’ve got to get downstairs, I recommend you follow soon.  
TT: Very well, we will.  
Exit  Peter.  
TT: Juliet? Paris waits for you.  
TG: go girl  
TG: u get some

Exeunt.


	6. Act I, Scene 4

I.4 Enter  Romeo [CG], Mercutio [TA],  Benvolio [TC], with five or six other Maskers; Torchbearers.

CG: SO, ARE WE JUST GOING TO MARCH UP TO THEIR FRONT DOOR?  
CG: OR ARE WE GOING TO HAVE, I DON'T KNOW, SOME SORT OF INTRODUCTION?  
TC: nAh, BrO, wHaT’s ThE pOiNt?  
TC: SeEiNg As We’Ve AlL gOt OuR mOtHeRfUcKiNg MaSkS oN.  
TC: lEt ThEm MeAsUrE uS bY wHaT tHeY mOtHeRfUcKiNg WiLl.  
CG: YEAH, FINE. GIVE ME A FUCKING TORCH.  
CG: I MIGHT AS WELL CARRY IT, SINCE I’M SURE AS FUCK NOT GOING TO BE DOING ANYTHING ELSE.  
TA: ehehehehe no way man were goiing two have you danciing.  
CG: NO  
TA: ye2.  
CG: HELL  
CG: FUCKING  
CG: NO.  
TA: wow RO way two be a 2tiick iin the mud.  
CG: SAYS THE TROLL WHO DOESN’T HAVE FEET OF LEAD.  
CG: OKAY, YEAH, IF I WAS A TWINKLETOES DIPSHIT LIKE YOU I’D BE FUCKING WALTZING ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE.  
TA: yeah but youre a lover riight?   
TA: borrow cupiid2 wiing2 and FLYYYYY.  
CG: AHAHAHAHA YOU’RE SO FUNNY. SEE, I’M LAUGHING SO HARD I CAN BARELY STAND.  
CG: PRICK.  
CG: LOVE ISN’T SOME FUCKING MIRACLE MAGIC JUICE – BENVOLIO, DON’T YOU DARE HONK AT THAT. IT DOESN’T LIFT YOU UP, IT WEIGHS YOU DOWN.   
CG: IT CRUSHES YOU TO THE GROUND AND FUCKS YOU OVER UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT BUT A SENSELESS SHUDDERING PULP.  
TA: then maybe you need two fuck love back 2how iit who2 bo22.   
TA: hey 2omeone giive me a ma2k for thii2 ugly mug of miine.   
TC: HaHaHa BrO tHiS pArTy Is GoInG tO bE cHiLl As FuCk.  
CG: SUDDENLY I’M NOT SO SURE ABOUT THAT.  
TA: what the fuck now.  
CG: I DREAMED SOMETHING LAST NIGHT.  
TA: what a coiinciidence! 2o diid ii.  
CG: OH YEAH? WHAT DID YOU DREAM.  
TA: that dreamer2 often liie.  
CG: HEY, FUCK YOU.  
CG: I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT DREAMS ARE AN ENTIRELY ACCURATE AND RELIABLE SOURCE OF INFORMATION.  
TA: ohhhhhh ii 2ee what’2 goiing on you’ve been vii2iited by queen mab.  
CG: WHO THE FUCK IS QUEEN MAB.  
TA: the faiiriie2’ miidwiife.   
TA: 2he driive2 around iin a liittle iin2ect wagon wiith wheel2 made of 2piider2’ leg2 and harne22 out of 2piiderweb2.  
TA: and gallop2 niight by niight through lover2’ braiin2 and then they dream of love, or on lawyer2’ fiinger2 who dream of fee2.   
TA: 2ometiime2 2he driive2 over ladiie2’ liip2 and blii2ter2 them becau2e theiir breath 2tiink2 of candy, and 2ometiime2 2he come2 wiith a tiithe piig’2 taiil two tiickle a par2on’2 no2e a2 he liie2 a2leep.  
TA: and SOMETIMES 2he driive2 over a 2oldiier’2 neck and then he dream2 of cuttiing foreiign throat2, of ambu2cadoe2 and Spanii2h blade2 whiich 2care2 the ba2tard 2o much he wake2 up and 2wear2 a prayer or two.  
TA: thii2 ii2 that very mab that braiid2 the mane2 of hor2e2 iin the niight and bake2 the elflock2 iin foul 2lutty haiir2 whiich once you untangle them, you’re FUCKED.  
TA: thii2 ii2 the hag when maiid2 liie on theiir back2 that pre22e2 them and teache2 them two bear –  
CG: SWEET EVERLASTING MOTHER OF FUCK, WILL YOU SHUT YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE ALREADY.  
CG: ONLY YOU COULD SPEND SO MUCH TIME TALKING ABOUT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  
TA: eheheh well you’d know all about that wouldn’t you RO.   
TC: iF wE dOn’T gEt ThErE sOoN aLl ThE fOoD wIlL bE gOnE :o(  
CG: TEASE ALL YOU WANT, I’VE GOT THIS NAGGING FEELING THAT TONIGHT’S GOING TO LEAD TO SOME BIG DISASTER.  
CG: BUT HEY! WHAT DO I KNOW. I’M JUST THE NUBBY-HORNED LOVER BOY WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS ASS AND HIS ASS IN THE AIR, SO WHAT THE FUCK DO I KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING?  
TA: je2u2, chiill, RO.   
TA: iit’2 gonna be fiine. 

Exeunt.  



	7. Act I, Scene 5

I.5 Enter Lord Capulet [EB], Lady Capulet [TT], Juliet [GG], Tybalt [TG], Nurse [TG], and all the Guests including Romeo [CG], Benvolio [TC], and Mercutio [TA].

EB: welcome, everyone! welcome to my house, and enjoy the party!  
EB: ladies, i expect to see each and every one of you dancing. if you don’t, i’ll assume you have corns, hehehe.   
EB: aw man, i used to be killer with the chicks! those were the days.   
Music plays, and they dance.  
CG: WHO IS THAT.  
CG: THAT GIRL OVER THERE, WITH THE MANE OF JET-BLACK HAIR AND ELDRITCH BEAUTY.   
CG: NO, ACTUALLY, I’VE CHANGED MY MIND. THERE’S NO WAY SHE’S HUMAN AND THAT ATTRACTIVE. IT’S NOT PHYSICALLY FUCKING POSSIBLE.   
CG: THIS IS SOME SORT OF COSMIC JOKE, RIGHT? SOME SORT OF PRACTICAL JOKE THE UNIVERSE IS PLAYING ON ME. NO ONE COULD BE THIS BEAUTIFUL AND STILL BE REAL.  
CG: FUCK. I’VE GOT TO – I DON’T KNOW, TOUCH HER HAND OR SOMETHING.  
CG: OH GOD. I DON’T THINK I’VE EVER BEEN IN LOVE BEFORE THIS. OH GOD. OH GOD.  
TG: whoa hold the phone  
TG: that guy sounds suspiciously like a montague  
TG: oh man if it is  
TG: if some fuckers shown up here just to make fun of all of us i will spit him on my sword I am not even kidding   
EB: hey, tybalt! what’s the matter?   
TG: some asshole montague crashed our party  
TG: bet you hes making fun of us right now  
EB: oh, romeo?  
TG: yeah him  
EB: come on, can’t you just leave him alone? he’s not causing any problems. in fact, a lot of people in verona speak well of him.   
EB: and i don’t want any problems at this party. boy, that’d sure kill the mood!   
TG: yeah but  
TG: hes a montague  
TG: im sworn to kill him on sight  
TG: like a rottweiler  
EB: not at my party you’re not!  
EB: who’s the head of this household, you or me?  
EB: huh?  
TG: you are  
EB: exactly. now get out of here.  
TG: mumble grumble mutter mutter growl  
TG: man next time i meet this guy hes not gonna get off so easy  
TG: gonna fight him off like  
TG: what was it  
TG: a rottweiler that was it  
TG: the capulet rottweiler   
TG: or are pitbulls the ones that attack instantly  
TG: or is it dorbermans  
Exit.  
CG: IF I PROFANE WITH MY UNWORTHIEST HAND THIS HOLY SHRINE, THE GENTLE SIN IS THIS: MY LIPS, TWO PILGRIMS – WAIT – TWO BLUSHING PILGRIMS READY – SHIT – SOMETHING SOMETHING TENDER KISS I’M FUCKING THIS ALL THE WAY TO HELL AND BACK AGAIN, AREN’T I.  
GG: yes you are :P   
CG: FUCK.   
CG: OKAY, LET ME TRY AGAIN.   
CG: IF I PROFANE WITH MY UNWORTHIEST HAND THIS HOLY SHRINE, THE GENTLE SIN IS THIS: MY LIPS, TWO PILGRIMS BLUSHING READY STAND TO SMOOTH THAT ROUGH TOUCH WITH A TENDER KISS.  
GG: good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much!  
GG: besides, palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss   
CG: PILGRIMS AND SAINTS HAVE LIPS TOO, YOU KNOW.  
GG: lips that they must use in prayer  
CG: COULDN’T, UH – LIPS DO WHAT – WHAT HANDS DO?  
GG: i dont know, could they? ;)  
CG: I’M GOING TO TAKE THAT AS A YES.  
Kisses her.  
GG: you kiss by the book   
TG: excuse me miss  
TG: not to interutp ur makeout session w/ tis fine young pescimen  
TG: *specimen  
TG: but ur mom wanst to talk 2 u  
Juliet  goes to talk with her mother.  
CG: WHO’S HER MOTHER?  
TG: haha u really dont know  
TG: her moms the lady of the house  
TG: misteress of the revels  
TG: queene of the calepults  
TG: *catapelts  
TG: *capulets   
TG: i nursd her daughter that u were talkin to just now  
TG: i tell u wat the dude that marries her is gonna be pretyt fuckin loadxed  
TG: *wink wink nudge*  
CG: SHE’S A CAPULET.  
CG: I *KNEW* THE UNIVERSE WAS PLAYING SOME SORT OF FUCKING JOKE ON ME!  
CG: ‘HEY, ROMEO, HERE’S YOUR ONE TRUE LOVE. GUESS WHAT? SHE’S THE ONLY DAUGHTER OF YOUR FAMILY’S MORTAL ENEMY!’  
CG: WELL, GUESS WHAT, UNIVERSE.  
CG: FUCK YOU TOO!!!  
TC: cHiLlAx, mY lItTlE mAn.  
TC: pArTy’S wInDiNg DoWn, TiMe FoR uS tO bE gOiNg.  
CG: I COULDN’T AGREE MORE.  
EB: wait! you guys can’t leave so early! there’s going to be more food!   
EB: aw shucks, maybe this party really is over. it is pretty late after all…  
EB: good night, everyone!  
Everyone except Juliet and Nurse starts to leave.  
GG: come here, nurse  
GG: who is that man?  
TG: ummmm  
TG: i think thats old tibrios son  
TG: *tiberio  
GG: and that one going out the door?  
TG: aw shit  
TG: his names pinocchio  
TG: petrifico  
TG: somethin like that  
GG: what about him? the one that wouldnt dance.  
TG: oh him!  
TG: i talked to him  
TG: his names romeo  
TG: hes a MONTAGUE  
TG: the only son of old lord fussypants   
GG: youre KIDDING me!   
GG: thats just not fucking fair  
TG: language young lady  
TG: cmon everyones leavin  
TG: time for bed

Exeunt.


	8. Act II, Prologue

2.PROLOGUE Enter Chorus.

Where were we?  
Oh, that’s right.  
So Romeo used to be in love with Rosaline, but all that changed since he saw Juliet. It helps that Juliet loves him back, although if you ask me it’s all pretty superficial. They just like each other because of how they look. Anyway, so now it’s going to be really tough for them to meet because their families are feuding and all – you know, secret meetings, hidden vows, etc. But passion lends them power, almost as if they were…made for each other.

Exit.


	9. Act II, Scene 1

II.2 Enter  Romeo [CG].

CG: THIS IS IT, MAN. YOU’RE GOING TO GO AND MEET HER AND YOU’RE NOT GOING TO FUCK IT UP.   
Romeo  retires. Enter  Benvolio [TC]  with  Mercutio [TA].  
TC: yOoOo, RoMeO! rOmEo!  
TA: he2 not here, he probably went two bed or somethiing.   
TC: nO, i SaW hIm, He JuMpEd OvEr ThIs WaLl.   
TC: mOtHeRfUcKiNg CaLl HiM, mAn.   
TA: iill do more than that, iill conjure two.  
TA: hey RO! a22hole! madman! lover!   
TA: ju2t 2ay one thiing, 2peak one rhyme, 2ay word about love!  
TA: well 2hiit that worked well. gue22 iill have two conjure hiim by 2omethiing el2e.  
TA: RO, ii conjure you by ro2aliine2 briight eyes and 2carlet lip2 by her 2traiight leg2 and what2 iin between them!  
TC: hEy, Be CaReFuL, yOu’Ll hArSh HiS mOtHeRfUcKiNg GrOoVe.  
TA: nah thii2 wont up2et hiim. iif ii 2ummoned a 2piiriit to fuck ro2aliine, then hed fliip hii2 shiit.   
TA: all iim doiing ii2 calliing her name.  
TC: hE’s PrObAbLy JuSt HiDiNg SoMeWhErE aNd DoEsN’t WaNt To GeT hIs MoThErFuCkInG jAm On WiTh Us.  
TA: ii gue22 youre riight fuck iit2 cold out here.   
TA: let2 go.   
TC: aIn’T nObOdY gOiNg To FiNd ThAt MoThErFuCkEr If He DoN’t WaNt To Be FoUnD.

Exit with  Mercutio.


	10. Act II, Scene 2

II.2  Romeo [CG]  comes forward.

CG: LIKE THEY KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.  
Enter Juliet [GG] above at a window.  
CG: WAIT.  
CG: HOLD THE FUCKING HANDHELD AUDIO COMMUNICATIONS DEVICE.  
CG: IT’S HER.  
CG: SHE’S LIKE – SHE’S LIKE THE SUN, SHE’S JUST FUCKING RADIANT OH MY GOD. ARISE, FAIR SUN, AND KILL THE ENVIOUS MOON.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK AM I SAYING, I SOUND LIKE A GIANT TOOL.  
CG: OH SHIT, SHE’S TALKING. IS SHE TALKING? SHOULD I ANSWER?  
CG: NO, WAIT, USE YOUR THINKPAN, FUCKHEAD. SHE’S NOT TALKING TO YOU. SHE’S JUST… LOOKING UP AT THE SKY. WITH THOSE INCREDIBLE STARRY EYES. AND NOW SHE’S LEANING HER CHEEK ON HER HAND… I WISH I WAS A GLOVE ON HER HAND SO I COULD TOUCH HER CHEEK…  
CG: GET A FUCKING HOLD OF YOURSELF, ROMEO. YOU SOUND LIKE A DEMENTED LOVE-SOPPY WIGGLER. WHAT, DID YOUR SPONGEY CEREBRAL MATERIAL GET REPLACED BY A MOLDY SPONGE SOAKED WITH –  
GG: oh man…...  
CG: SHE SPEAKS.  
CG: SPEAK AGAIN, BRIGHT ANGEL!  
GG: why, romeo, did you have to be a montague?  
GG: please just renounce your name, or swear you love me and ill no longer be a capulet!!  
CG: ALMIGHTY TAINTCHAFING FUCK DO I TALK TO HER OR –  
GG: i mean the only thing wrong with you is your name  
GG: if you werent a montague everything would be fine!  
GG: whats so important about a name, anyway? its just a collection of random syllables attached to something  
GG: youd still be just as perfect even if you werent called romeo  
GG: oh romeo, just give up your name and you can have all of me!  
CG: I’LL FUCKING DO IT. I’LL DO IT, I’LL GET RID OF MY NAME, I’LL NEVER BE ROMEO AGAIN!  
GG: who the fuck are you??? :O  
CG: WELL, UP UNTIL YOU SAID YOUR LITTLE PIECE ABOUT ME DENYING MY NAME I WAS ROMEO MONTAGUE.  
GG: you!!  
GG: how did you get in here?  
CG: PLEASE, IT WAS NO PROBLEM CLIMBING OVER THE WALLS.  
CG: I MEAN, NOT THAT ANYONE ORDINARY COULD DO IT. BUT FOR ME AND MY SUPERIOR UPPER THORAX STRENGTH IT WAS NO PROBLEM.  
GG: you do know that if any of my family see you here, theyll kill you?  
CG: OKAY, YEAH, THAT’S A FAIRLY FUCKING VALID POINT.  
GG: if its really dangerous, you should go! :O  
CG: AFTER I WORKED SO HARD TO GET HERE? HELL FUCKING NO.  
CG: IT’S DARK, AND BESIDES, THE ONLY PERSON WHO KNOWS I’M HERE IS YOU. SO UNLESS YOU PLAN ON TURNING ME IN TO DEAR OLD DADDY, I’M FINE.  
GG: i just want you safe, mister!  
GG: id hate it if you got hurt or killed :(  
GG: how did you even find my house, anyway?  
CG: BY LOVE’S DIRECTION, WHICH LEAD ME HERE LIKE A SHIP ON THE OCEAN.  
CG: GRANTED, A FUCKED UP LEAKY SHIP WITH HOLES IN THE SAILS, MOLD IN THE GALLEY AND A ONE-EYED LOBOTOMY PATIENT FOR A CAPTAIN, BUT A SHIP NONETHELESS.  
GG: youre very bold to talk of love ;)  
GG: and in fact, ill just as boldly accept your love!  
GG: but first you have to swear that youll be true to me, and no takebacks or else  
CG: LADY, I SWEAR BY YONDER BLESSED MOON –  
GG: not by the moon, fuckass!!! :O  
GG: what if your love waxes and wanes with it?  
CG: I DON’T THINK THAT’S HOW IT WORKS.  
GG: but what if??  
CG: FINE, I’LL SWEAR ON SOMETHING ELSE. DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS?  
GG: why not by yourself?  
CG: I SWEAR ON THIS SLOWLY PUTREFYING MEAT SACK THAT IS MY UNGAINLY MESS OF A BODY –  
GG: maybe youd better not swear at all >:(  
GG: in fact, im starting to think were taking this whole thing waaaaaay too quickly  
GG: good night, sir romeo!  
CG: ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO LEAVE ME JUST LIKE THAT?  
GG: what more could you possibly want? :O  
CG: YOU TO SAY YOU LOVE ME, FOR STARTERS.  
GG: but i already did!  
GG: and yet i wish i hadnt  
CG: WHAT.  
CG: WHY.  
GG: so that i could tell you it again!  
Nurse [TG] calls within.  
GG: hold on, someones calling me!  
GG: ill be right back!  
Exit.  
CG: THERE IS NO WAY I’M AWAKE. I’M DREAMING RIGHT NOW, I’VE GOT TO BE. THIS IS TOO GOOD TO BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN A FUCKING DREAM.  
Enter Juliet above.  
GG: three words, dear romeo, and then good night!  
GG: if your love really is honorable and you want to marry me, send word tomorrow with someone who ill send to you, and tell me when and where well get married –  
TG: missy!  
GG: im coming!  
GG: but if you dont mean well –  
TG: juliet!!!  
GG: im COMING!  
GG: then just leave me alone  
GG: a thousand times good night!  
Exit.  
CG: IT’S NOT GOOD WITHOUT YOUR LIGHT…  
Enter Juliet above again.  
GG: romeo?  
GG: romeo, are you still there?  
CG: I’M HERE! WHAT IS IT?  
GG: what time tomorrow should i send someone to you?  
CG: OH, FUCK. MAKE IT NINE IN THE MORNING.  
GG: oh, nooooooo  
GG: ive forgotten why i called you back  
CG: SHOULD I JUST STAND HERE UNTIL YOU REMEMBER?  
GG: then ill keep forgetting, just to keep you here  
CG: AND I’LL STILL STAY, AS LONG AS YOU FORGET.  
GG: it’s almost morning :(  
GG: you should really go… but i wish you were no further away than a little pet bird  
GG: a little adorable grumpy pet bird!  
CG: ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.  
GG: good night, romeo!  
Exit.  
CG: GOOD NIGHT, AND SWEET DREAMS.  
CG: OH, FUCK. I THINK I NEED MY PRIEST’S ADVICE.

Exit.


	11. Act II, Scene 3

II.3 Enter Friar Laurence [GA], with a basket.

GA: Now That The Sun Is Rising I Have Returned From Harvesting Wild Herbs and Plants   
GA: Some Of These Plants Are Really Quite Poisonous   
GA: Although Others Have Equally Powerful Healing Capabilities   
GA: In Fact It Seems To Be A Trend Among Natural Flora That The Bad Attributes Are Equally Matched By The Good   
Enter  Romeo [CG].   
GA: For Example If You Smell This Plant It Will Cheer You Emotionally   
GA: But If You Eat It It Will Kill You   
CG: GOOD MORNING.   
GA: Why Are You Up This Early   
GA: Either You Have Not Slept Well Or You Have Not Gone To Bed At All   
CG: THE SECOND ONE. I HAVEN’T BEEN HOME ALL NIGHT AND I FEEL FUCKING FABULOUS.   
GA: I Had A Feeling It Would Be That   
GA: Were You With Rosaline   
CG: ROSALINE? GOD, NO.    
CG: THAT SHIP HAS LONG FUCKING SAILED. IN FACT, IT’S SO FAR OUT OF THE HARBOR THAT NO ONE EVEN REMEMBERS IT WAS THERE.   
GA: I Will Not Pretend I Am Not Pleased To Hear That   
GA: Although It Does Beg The Question Of Where You Were Last Night   
CG: WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW.   
GA: That Was The Purpose Of My Query   
GA: Also I Would Prefer My Answer With As Little Colorfully Explicit Metaphors As Possible   
CG: ALL RIGHT, FINE. YOU WANT THE SHORT ANSWER? I’LL GIVE YOU THE SHORT ANSWER.   
CG: JULIET CAPULET AND I ARE IN LOVE.   
CG: YES, I KNOW. THE UTTER MAGNITUDE OF THE SENTENCE I JUST UTTERED CANNOT BE MEASURED IN ANY INCREMENTS KNOWN TO MANKIND.   
CG: BUT THERE IT IS.   
CG: WE’RE IN LOVE, AND WE NEED YOU TO MARRY US. TODAY, PREFERABLY.   
GA: So Just To Be Clear   
GA: You Are Now In Love With Juliet   
CG: YES.   
GA: Only Daughter Of Your Familys Arch-Rivals   
CG: YES.   
GA: And You Want To Marry Her Even Though Youve Known Her For Less Than Twelve Hours   
CG: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YES.   
GA: Hmmmm   
GA: I Seem To Remember You Only Yesterday Declaring Your Undying Love For Rosaline And Lamenting The Fact That She Did Not Return Your Feelings   
CG: IT’S NOT LIKE YOU EVER APPROVED OF HOW I FELT ABOUT HER   
GA: That Does Not Affect The Fact That I Also Disapprove Of How Quickly You Seem To Switch Your Affections   
CG: LOOK, IT’S NOT LIKE I’M SOME SORT OF FICKLE-HEARTED DOUCHESACK WHO CAN’T STAY WITH A GIRL MORE THAN TWO WEEKS BECAUSE HIS TINY PEANUT BRAIN LACKS THE ATTENTION SPAN TO LAST ANY LONGER.   
CG: ROSALINE NEVER LOVED ME. JULIET DOES.    
GA: Rosaline Is An Intelligent Young Woman    
GA: Nevertheless I Will Help You As This Might Be The Key To Ending Your Parents Feud   
CG: YOU’RE THE BEST.   
CG: AND BY BEST I MEAN HALFWAY REASONABLE AND SENSITIVE.    
GA: Youre Welcome 

Exeunt. 


	12. Act II, Scene 4

II.4 Enter  Benvolio [TC] and Mercutio [TA].

TA: where the fuck ii2 RO diid he come home la2t niight.  
TC: iF hE dId It WeReN’t To HiS mOtHeRfUcKiNg DaD's.  
TA: bet you anythiing iit2 that biitch ro2aliine2 fault.  
TA: she2 driiviing hiim crazy.   
TC: oOoOhH sHiT i JuSt ReMeMbErEd.  
TC: tHaT mOtHeRfUcKeR wHaT cAlLs HiMsElF tYbAlT sEnT a LeTtEr To OuR rOmEo.  
TA: a challenge, probably.  
TC: rOmEo WiLl AnSwEr It.   
TA: that2 not fuckiing hard anyone who wriite2 can an2wer a letter.  
TC: hAhA nO i MeAnT tHe ChAlLeNgE.  
TA: actually ii really hope he doe2nt for hii2 own health and 2afety.  
TC: wHy?  
TA: TB2 a priick but he2 a priick who2 damn good at 2wordfiightiing. hell 2liice the button2 off your waii2tcoat before he kiill2 you and iin2ult you iin rhyme the entiire tiime.  
TC: aW sHiT tHaT aIn’T nO gOoD fOr OuR rOmEo :o(  
TA: no iit aiint.   
TA: god ii hate that guy.   
TA: he2 liike iif a niinja and 2ome douchey 2kater bro had a hatebaby.  
TA: raiised wiith an extra 2iide of iironiic fuckery.   
Enter Romeo [CG].  
TC: yOoOo LoOk WhO iT iS, mY mOtHeRfUcKiNg CuZ!   
TC: hOnK :o)  
TA: eheheh wow dude you look liike shiit.   
TA: diid your lady love leave you hiigh and dry agaiin or diid you hiire a couple whore2 two take the 2tiing off her rejectiion.  
CG: AND A VERY GOOD MORNING TO YOU TOO.   
TA: no 2eriiou2ly where the fuck diid you dii2appear two la2t niight.   
CG: WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO FUCKING KNOW.  
TA: 2o you were fuckiing.  
CG: MAYBE IF YOU CLEANED OUT THOSE GROTESQUE DEFORMATIONS YOU CALL AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS YOU WOULD REALIZE THAT WASN’T ACTUALLY WHAT I SAID.  
TA: wa2 iit ro2aliine?   
CG: NO!  
TA: 2omebody el2e then.  
CG: I WASN’T FUCKING ANYBODY.  
CG: BUT BELIEVE ME, IF I HAD BEEN AND I CHOSE TO TELL YOU, YOU WOULD BE SLOWLY SINKING TOWARDS THE GROUND IN A DISSOLVING GREY PUDDLE OF JEALOUSY.   
TA: okay now iim 2tartiing two beliieve that you diidnt fuck anyone.   
TA: 2pend the niight cryiing and jerkiing off two the thought of ro2aliine?  
CG: WILL YOU LAY IT OFF WITH ROSALINE, I’M NOT INTERESTED IN HER ANYMORE. IF I PASSED HER IN THE STREET I WOULDN’T LOOK AT HER TWICE. OR EVEN ONCE. MY EYES WOULD GLIDE OVER HER LIKE SHE WAS A PANE OF FRESHLY-OILED GLASS.  
TA: oiil, huh? 2ound2 kiinky.   
CG: HEY, FUCK YOU TOO.   
TA: iim not that de2perate yet RO but iif ii ever am iill let you know.   
TA: thank2 for the offer, though.   
CG: YEAH, YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL.  
CG: ASSUMING I’D EVER WANT TO BRING MY JUNK IN CONTACT WITH WHATEVER MONSTROSITY YOU HAVE DOWN THERE, YOU CAN BE DAMNED WELL ASSURED IT’D BE THE BEST NIGHT OF YOUR MISERABLE LONELY EXISTENCE.   
CG: NOT THAT I’D EVER WANT TO DO THAT, OF COURSE.  
TA: plea2e the only thiing youve ever had experiience wiith ii2 your own riight hand.   
TA: any actual sexytiime2 wiith anyone and youd go off sooner than a short-fused bomb.  
TC: mAyBe YoU gUyS sHoUlD jUsT gEt A rOoM, yOu KnOw?  
CG: WHAT.  
CG: NO.  
CG: NO NO NO NO HELL FUCKING *NO*.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU IMPLYING.  
TA: what the fuck do you thiink he2 iimplyiing.  
TA: god RO do ii have two explaiin everythiing two you.  
CG: CHECK OUT WHO’S COMING HERE.  
Enter Nurse [TG] and Peter [TT].  
TG: petey!  
TT: Yes ma’am.  
TG: my fan plz   
TA: eheheh yeah two hiide her face the fan2 the faiirer face.  
TG: good mornin gents   
TA: good afternoon faiir lady.   
TG: is it afternoon already  
TG: shit i gotta cut back on the booze   
TA: techniically iits afternoon.  
TA: 2eeiing as the bawdy hand of the diial iis now upon the priick of noon.  
TG: yeah well ur a prick  
TG: can any of you boys tell me where i can find one young and handsome romeo  
CG: THAT’S ME.   
TG: good cuz i got to talk to you  
TG: in totes private  
TA: hey RO maybe youre goiing to get 2ome actiion after all ehehehe.  
TC: aWwW sHiT bRo ;o)  
CG: WILL YOU GUYS CLEAR THE FUCK OUT.  
TA: wow grouchy.   
TA: no but 2eriiou2ly you got to come home to your dad2 for diinner toniight wiith us.  
CG: FINE, I WILL. NOW WILL YOU FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS DIVINE AND HOLY GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HAIR.  
TA: aiint no problem bro.  
TA: see you anciient lady, lady, lady.  
Exeunt Mercutio and Benvolio.  
TG: who the hell is that guy  
CG: JUST THIS ASSHOLE I KNOW. HE’LL TALK FOREVER IF YOU DON’T SHUT HIM UP IN TIME.  
TG: well he says any more to me and ill kick his ass   
TG: an what about u petey   
TG: some defense u were  
TT: I saw no man use you at his pleasure. If I had, my weapon would have been quickly out, I reassure you.   
TG: well thats great to know  
TG: god im so pissed right now   
TG: anyway so my young lady sent me to u  
TG: and im tellin u right now u break her heart and there will be hell to pay from me   
CG: I’M TELLING YOU, SHE HAS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. I PROMISE.   
TG: good ill tell her that  
TG: oh lawdy she will be a joyful woman  
CG: OKAY, TELL HER THIS. COME TO FRIAR LAURENCE’S CELL THIS AFTERNOON, AND WE’LL GET MARRIED THERE.  
TG: this afternoon  
TG: dont u think thats kinda rushin it   
CG: NOT REALLY, NO.   
CG: OH, AND IN ABOUT AN HOUR I’LL SEND MY SERVANT TO YOU WITH A ROPE LADDER SO I CAN CLIMB UP TO JULIET TONIGHT.   
TG: do u trust this guy  
CG: HE’S AS TRUE AS STEEL.  
TG: well thats good at least   
TG: oh btw theres this dude paris whos totes got his eye on her   
TG: she hates him though  
CG: RIGHT.  
CG: COMMEND ME TO YOUR LADY.  
TG: will do  
Exit Romeo.  
TG: petey!  
TT: Ma’am.  
TG: lets go

Exeunt.


	13. Act II, Scene 5

II.5 Enter  Juliet [GG].

GG: ugh what is taking nurse so long! she left at nine and shes been gone at least three hours   
GG: what if she cant find romeo? oh nooooooo :(  
GG: i bet if she was as young as i am shed move a lot faster  
GG: or at all   
Enter Nurse [TG].  
GG: oh god here she is! oh honey nurse, what news? did you meet with him? why do you look so sad? D:  
TG: hoo boy julie that sure is a lot of questions  
TG: let ur old nursie rest for a second  
GG: go ahead and rest, just tell me what the news is!  
TG: aw man lemme catch my breath  
TG: whats the big rush anyway  
GG: how can you say youre too out of breath to tell me the news when you have enough breath to say youre out of breath :P  
GG: your excuses are longer than the actual story!  
TG: all right all right  
TG: u sure do know how to choose a man that romeo is FIIIIINE ;)  
TG: wouldnt mind a piece of that myself  
TG: have u had lunch yet?  
GG: no, and i already knew everything you said  
GG: what about our marriage, what did he say about that???  
TG: owww ive got a splittin headache  
GG: sweet, sweet nurse, please tell me what he said  
TG: ugh okay fine he said  
TG: wheres ur mom  
GG: is that really what he said  
GG: is it REALLY :P  
TG: do u have permission to go confess today  
GG: i do  
TG: then hie you to friar Laurence  
TG: there stays a husband to make you a wife  
TG: woohoohoo now ur all excited  
TG: get you to church  
TG: ive got to go pick up a ladder so ur man can come visit you tonite   
TG: dont think i need to tell u what 4 ;)  
GG: nurse youre the best!!! :)  
GG: see you later!!!

Exeunt.


	14. Act II, Scene 6

II.6 Enter Friar Laurence [GA] and Romeo [CG].

GA: I Very Much Hope That Nothing Happens To Make Us Regret This Marriage   
CG: EVEN IF THE SKIES IMPLODED AND ASTEROIDS THE SIZE OF PRUSSIA RAINED DOWN ON US, CAUSING US ALL TO INCINERATE IN FIRE LEAVING NOTHING BUT CHARRED PILES OF ASH I WOULDN’T REGRET IT.    
CG: JUST MARRY US AND IT’LL BE ALL THE HAPPINESS I NEED.   
GA: These Violent Delights Have Violent Ends   
GA: Not Unlike The Combination Of Sulfur Saltpeter And Charcoal Used As A Propellant In Firearms   
GA: I Would Caution Against Such Explosions Of Feeling And Warn That Moderation Is A Much Safer Path   
Enter  Juliet [GG].   
GA: Here Comes The Lady   
GA: I Must Say She Is Looking Very Well   
GG: hello, friar :)   
CG: JULIET, IF YOU’RE AS HAPPY AS I AM – WHICH I HAVE TO SAY IS PRETTY FUCKING JUBILANT – THEN TELL ME HOW HAPPY YOU THINK WE’LL BE WHEN WE’RE MARRIED.    
GG: oh, i cant say half of what i imagine, theres so much happiness. besides i think when you say something it loses its magic! :)   
GA: Both Of You Come With Me Please And We Will Do This Quickly   
GA: I Would Prefer The Two Of You Not Be Left Alone Together Until You Are Married

Exeunt.


	15. Act III, Scene 1

III.1 Enter Mercutio [TA], Benvolio [TC], and others.

TC: c’MoN mY bRo LeT’s AbScOnD tHe MoThErFuCk OuTtA hErE.  
TC: It’S sO hOt My ThInKpAn Is FrYiNg AnD i DoN’t WaNnA gEt In No FiGhTs WiTh ThOsE mOtHeRfUcKiNg CaPuLeTs.  
TA: you dont want two fiight that2 a good one.  
TA: let2 be hone2t iif we had two of you pretty 2oon wed have none becau2e youd both kiill each other.   
TA: youll quarrel wiith a man for eatiing grape2 becau2e you have purple eye2 and wiith a man for coughiing iin the 2treet becau2e he woke a 2leepiing dog.  
TA: diidnt you nearly riip a taiilor2 head off becau2e he made you a doublet the wrong 2iize and gave you new 2hoe2 wiith old riibbon?  
TA: and you want two talk to me about QUARRELING!  
TC: aWwWw ShIt BrO yOu SuRe YoU aIn’T tAlKiNg AbOuT yOuRsElF.  
TC: HoNk :O)  
TA: youre 2uch an iidiiot.  
Enter  Tybalt [TG] and others.  
TC: wAtCh OuT hErE cOmE tHe CaPuLeTs.  
TA: do ii look liike ii giive a fuck.   
TG: sup  
TG: can i have a word  
TA: yeah you can have a word and a blow.  
TG: aw shit dont tell me its a fight youre looking for  
TG: kinda in need of one of those myself  
TA: oh yeah? what el2e do you need, an excu2e?  
TG: so you hang with romeo amirite  
TG: hes your homedog  
TA: are you calliing romeo a dog you pathetiic 2hiit2taiin.  
TC: HeEeY, bRoS, cHiLl, LeT’s MoThErFuCkInG cHiLl.  
TC: cAn’T wE tAlK tHiS oUt LiKe TwO rEaSoNaBlE pEaCeFuL dUdEs? Or At LeAsT gO sOmEwHeRe WhErE tHeRe AiN’t A mOtHeRfUcKiNg ThOuSaNd PeEpErS lOoKiNg OuT aT uS.   
TA: let them look ii dont giive a fuck.  
Enter Romeo [CG].  
TG: peace out losers i got the troll i came here for   
TA: iill be hanged iif you “got” hiim, a22hole.   
TG: hey romeo i wrote you a poem  
TG: roses are red  
TG: violets are blue  
TG: montagues are shit  
TG: are those horns or did you just get candycorn stuck in your hair  
CG: LISTEN, TYBALT, NORMALLY I WOULD LIKE NOTHING BETTER THAN TO POUND THAT SMUG MUG OF YOURS INTO A PULP.   
CG: BUT AS OF TODAY THE SITUATION HAS CHANGED DRASTICALLY AND I THINK I’D BE BETTER OFF CALLING YOU A FRIEND.  
CG: SO I SHOULD PROBABLY LEAVE BEFORE YOU ATTACK ME OR SOME SHIT.  
TG: nuh uh youre not walking away like that  
TG: get back here and draw your sword  
CG: YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME, IT’S REALLY NOT A GOOD IDEA THAT WE FIGHT.  
CG: I CAN’T TELL YOU WHY RIGHT NOW, BUT FROM NOW ON WE HAVE TO AT LEAST TRY TO GET ALONG.  
TA: fuck that noii2e.  
Draws.  
TA: hey TB, wiill you fiight me iin2tead?  
TG: hell yeah I will  
Draws.  
CG: WHAT – NO, NO, MERCUTIO, STOP –  
TA: come on 2how me what you got.  
They fight.  
CG: BENVOLIO, DON’T JUST STAND THERE, HELP ME STOP THEM! HEY! HAVE EITHER OF YOU TWO FUCKHEADS REMEMBERED THAT THE PRINCE BANNED DUELING IN THE STREET? TYBALT – MERCUTIO, STOP!  
Romeo rushes between them; Tybalt under Romeo’s arm stabs Mercutio and flies with his followers.  
TA: 2on of a biitch iim wounded.  
TA: whered TB go diid ii get hiim.  
TC: MoThErFuCk DuDe ThAt SuRe Is A lOt Of BlOoD :o(  
TA: oh yeah ju2t a 2cratch.  
CG: IT CAN’T – IT CAN’T REALLY BE THAT BAD –  
TA: oh yeah iit2 not a2 deep a2 a well or a2 wiide a2 a church door but iit2 pretty fuckiing bad iif you a2k me.  
TA: 2hiit iim probably goiing two diie, aren’t ii.   
TA: man fuck both your hou2e2 for thii2 damn feud. and RO what the fuck were you doiing comiing between u2 liike that? that2 how he got me.  
CG: I WAS TRYING TO HELP.  
TA: oh yeah you diid a real good job wiith that.   
TA: you know what.  
TA: a plague on both your hou2e2.  
Dies.  
CG: OH GOD.  
TC: aNd ThErE gOeS hIs SoUl Up To ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg ClOuDs :O(  
CG: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD  
Enter Tybalt.  
TC: LoOk WhO’s MoThErFuCkInG bAcK.  
CG: WHAT, SO THIS BRAINLESS ASSMONKEY GETS TO LIVE WHILE MERCUTIO DIES?  
CG: FUCK YOU, TYBALT.   
CG: MERCUTIO’S SOUL IS WAITING RIGHT HERE FOR SOMEONE TO KEEP HIM COMPANY AND I FIGURE IT’S YOUR FUCKING TURN.  
TG: nah dude youre his friend  
TG: why dont you go with him instead  
CG: LET’S FUCKING FIND OUT.  
They fight. Tybalt falls.  
TC: sHiT rOmEo YoU gOtTa GeT tHe FuCk OuT oF hErE.  
TC: If ThE pRiNcE fInDs OuT yOu KiLlEd TyBaLt ShE’lL sLiCe OfF yOuR mOtHeRfUcKiNg SkUlLcAp.   
TC: c’MoN mAn ThIs AiN’t To TiMe To Be DaZeD aNd CoNfUsEd YoU gOtTa HuStLe YoUr MoThErFuCkInG aSs OuTtA hErE!  
CG: I’M THE FUCKUP. IT’S ME.  
TC: WhY aRe YoU sTiLl HeRe?  
Exit Romeo. Enter Prince [GC], Lord Montague [AT], Lady Montague [AA], Lord Capulet [EB], and Lady Capulet [TT].  
GC: WH3R3 4R3 TH3 V1L3 B3G1NN3RS OF TH1S FR4Y?  
TC: nObLe PrInCe LaDy JuSt TuRn A mOtHeRfUcKiNg EaR tO mE, i SaW tHe WhOlE tHiNg.  
TC: So ThIs BrOtHeR lYiNg HeRe WhO mAy Or MaY nOt HaVe BeEn KiLlEd By YoUnG rOmEo Is ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg MuRdErEr Of YoUr KiNsTrOlL mErCuTiO.  
TT: Tybalt, my nephew! Prince, as you are true, for blood of ours shed blood of Montague.   
GC: B3NVOL1O!  
TC: hOnK!   
TC: YeS mA’aM.   
GC: 1 4SK3D YOU WHO B3G4N TH1S F1GHT  
TC: wHy ThAt WoUlD mOtHeRfUcKiNg Up AnD bE tYbAlT, mA’aM. rOmEo WaS aLl KiNdS oF mOtHeRfUcKiNg GeNtLe, TrIeD tWeNtY wAyS tO tAlK tYbAlT oUt Of It BuT tHaT rAgE-aSs MoThErFuCkEr WoUlDn’T hAvE nOnE oF iT, jUsT uP aNd PoInTs HiS sWoRd At MeRcUtIo’S mOtHeRfUcKiNg BrEaSt.   
TC: So ThEn Of CoUrSe MeRcUtIo GeTs HiS mOtHeRfUcKiNg AnGeR oN aNd ThErE aIn’T nOtHiNg BuT rInGiNg StEeL bEtWeEn ThEm WhEn RoMeO uP aNd JuMpS hIs LiTtLe NuBbYhOrNeD sElF bEtWeEn ThE tWo To StOp ThEm, AnD tHeN tYbAlT lIkE tHe MoThErFuCkInG bItChAsS cHeAtEr He Is StAbS mErCuTiO uNdEr RoMeO’s ArM aNd FlEeS tHe MoThErFuCkInG sCeNe.   
TC: bUt WhEn He CoMeS bAcK mY lItTlE bRo FlIeS uP iNtO a RiGhTeOuS mOtHeRfUcKiNg RaGe YoU aIn’T nEvEr SeEn AnD kIlLs TyBaLt, AnD tHeN sCoOtEd HiMsElF oUt Of HeRe, AnD iF tHaT aIn’T tHe WhOlE hOnEsT mOtHeRfUcKiNg TrUtH yOu CaN sLiCe Me Up AnD fEeD mE tO tHe MiRtHfUl MeSsIaHs.  
TT: He’s a kinsman to the Montagues. Do you really expect him to speak honestly? I bet there were at least twenty men fighting, and it took all of them to kill Tybalt.   
TT: I beg for justice – a life for a life seems appropriate, don’t you think?  
GC: HMMMMMM  
GC: TRU3 ROM3O K1LL3D TYB4LT BUT TYB4LT 1S 4LSO R3SPONS1BL3 FOR TH3 D34TH OF ON3 M3RCUT1O  
AT: sINCE, uHHH, tYBALT WOULD HAVE DIED, aNYWAY,,  
AT: fOR KILLING, mERCUTIO,  
AT: dIDN’T rOMEO, dO, uHH, wHAT THE LAW, wANTED?,  
GC: 4ND FOR TH4T OFF3NS3 W3 1MM3D14T3LY 3X1L3 H1M FROM H3R3  
GC: TH4T 1S MY K1NSTROLL WHO L13S BL33D1NG TH3R3!  
GC: 1 W1LL F1N3 BOTH OF YOU SO MUCH YOU W1LL M4K3 SUR3 TH1S N3V3R H4PP3NS 4G41N  
GC: TH3 L4W 1S D34F TO PL34D1NG 3XCUS3S T34RS 4ND PR4Y3RS SO DO NOT US3 4NY! L3T ROM3O L34V3 1N H4ST3 OR WH3N H3 1S FOUND TH4T HOUR W1LL B3 H1S L4ST  
GC: T4K3 C4R3 OF TH3 BODY 4ND FOLLOW M3 

Exeunt.


	16. Act III, Scene 2

III.2 Enter  Juliet [GG].

GG: can it just be night already please?  
GG: im so sick of waiting for it to be evening  
GG: i want my romeo to be here!  
Enter Nurse [TG].  
GG: oh good, youre back!!!!  
GG: do you have the ladder?  
TG: heres ur fuckin ladder  
Throws down the cords.  
GG: oh nooooo whats wrong? D:  
TG: hes dead is whats wrong  
TG: deader then a fuckin doornail  
GG: what???? D:  
GG: who killed him???  
TG: that bastard romeo is who  
GG: ROMEO KILLED HIMSELF??? D:  
TG: oh god tybalt  
TG: u were so young  
TG: too young to die, too pretty to live… :’(  
GG: TYBALT’S DEAD TOO??? D:  
GG: boo hoo hooo hoo hoo hoo  
TG: tyblats dead and romeo vanisehed  
TG: *banished  
GG: oh god…  
GG: did romeos hand shed tybalts blood?  
TG: it did it did  
TG: alas the day it did  
GG: that complete asshole!!  
GG: i trusted him! i thought he was nice!!  
GG: i HATE him!!!!  
TG: take it from me honey u cant trust a man  
TG: not one of them  
TG: theyre all lyin little shits  
TG: i need a drink  
GG: dont you dare talk about romeo like that! >:O  
TG: he killed ur cousin!  
GG: hes my HUSBAND!  
GG: and i bet you anything tybalt was going to kill him!  
GG: romeo was just trying to defend himself……  
GG: oh nooooo…  
GG: tybalts dead and romeos banished…  
GG: boo hoo hoo hoo  
GG: boo hoo hooo hooo hooooooo :’(  
GG: wheres my parents  
TG: weepin and wailin over tybalts corspe  
TG: will u go to them?  
GG: what, to cry over tybalt?  
GG: fat chance  
GG: my tears are all spent on my poor dear romeo  
GG: im taking these ropes with me  
GG: they were supposed to be a ladder but i guess ive got a different use for them now  
GG: looks like deaths taking my virginity instead of romeo!  
TG: whoa whoa whoa hold on on  
TG: dont do that ill send someone to romeo and get him to come here at night  
TG: hes hidin out at friar laurences  
GG: oh please do that!!!!  
GG: give him this ring  
TG: sure thing  
TG: itll be okay baby girl  
TG: itll be okay


	17. Act III, Scene 3

III.3 Enter  Friar Laurence [GA].

GA: All Right Romeo You Can Come Out Now   
GA: Its Me   
Enter  Karkat [CG].   
CG: WHAT DID THE PRINCE SAY?   
CG: AM I DEAD? ARE THEY GOING TO EXECUTE ME?   
CG: OH GOD, THEY ARE, AREN’T THEY? I’M DEAD, I’M SO FUCKING DEAD, I’M GONNA DIE –   
GA: Maybe If You Let Me Speak For Five Seconds I Could Actually Tell You What The Verdict Was   
GA: You Are Banished From Verona   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, *BANISHED?*   
CG: THAT’S WORSE THAN DEATH.   
GA: I Am Highly Doubtful That It Is   
CG: LOOK, ALL DEATH IS IS BEING BANISHED FROM LIFE, RIGHT? FROM THE WORLD.    
CG: WELL GUESS WHAT, VERONA *IS* MY WORLD. SO BANISH ME FROM VERONA AND YOU MIGHT AS WELL SLICE MY FUCKING HEAD OFF!   
GA: You Are Being Very Ungrateful Right Now   
GA: The Prince Could Have Had You Executed But Has Instead Been Very Lenient   
CG: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, THIS IS FUCKING CRUEL AND UNNATURAL PUNISHMENT SHIT RIGHT HERE.   
CG: HEAVEN IS HERE, WHERE JULIET LIVES. EVERY MEWBEAST AND BARKBEAST, HELL, EVEN FUCKING CARRION FLIES CAN LOOK AT HER AND BE NEAR HER, BUT I CAN’T.   
CG: FUCK, THAT’S PROBABLY SOME SORT OF POETIC JUSTICE, ISN’T IT.   
CG: ROMEO RANKS LOWER ON THE COSMIC TOTEM POLE THAN FUCKING SHIT-EATING FLIES.    
CG: AND YOU THINK BANISHMENT IS ANY BETTER THAN DEATH?   
GA: Be Quiet And Listen To Me For A Minute   
CG: LET ME GUESS, YOU’RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT BANISHMENT AGAIN.   
GA: Well Yes   
GA: But Perhaps I Can Offer Some Words Of A Comforting Nature   
CG: THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER IS IF YOU COULD REVERSE THE PRINCE’S VERDICT. CAN YOU DO THAT? NO? I DIDN’T FUCKING THINK SO.   
CG: SO SHUT THE FUCK UP.   
GA: You Are Not Being Reasonable   
CG: WOW, I WONDER WHY? I’M IN LOVE WITH JULIET, MARRIED HER AN HOUR AGO, KILLED HER COUSIN, AND AM NOW BANISHED FROM HERE FOREVER.    
CG: AND YOU EXPECT ME TO BE FUCKING *REASONABLE?*   
GA: Please Get Off The Ground   
Knock [within].   
GA: You Had Better Hide Yourself   
CG: NO.   
CG: I AM GOING TO LIE HERE UNTIL MY FACE ROTS INTO THE FLOOR.    
Knock.   
GA: Whos There   
GA: Romeo I Am Not Joking Hide Or You Will Be Arrested   
Knock.   
GA: For The Love Of God Romeo Get Up   
GA: Fine Have It Your Way   
GA: Who Is It   
Enter Nurse  [TG].  
TG: yo let me in  
TG: I come from lady juliet  
GA: You Have Permission To Enter  
TG: thx  
TG: what  
TG: why is romeo on the floor   
GA: I Would Take A Wild Guess And Say He Is Upset  
TG: aw man so is juliet  
TG: shes just lyin around cryin  
TG: well  
TG: and also shoutin  
TG: may/may not have thrown a few things   
TG: w/e point is shes upset   
CG: JULIET!  
CG: HOW IS SHE, IS SHE ALL RIGHT, DOES SHE HATE ME?  
CG: FUCK, I BET SHE DOES, I’D HATE ME. FUCKING HELL, I *DO* HATE ME.   
TG: well she aint exactly happy with you rn  
CG: SHE HATES ME. I BET SHE CAN’T EVEN STAND THE SIGHT OF ME. I’M THE REPULSIVE SHITSACK WHO KILLED HER COUSIN. I’M A FOUL LOATHSOME GOOD-FOR-NOTHING WHO SHOULD JUST KILL HIMSELF -  
GA: First Of All You Need To Be Quiet  
GA: Secondly Ending Your Own Life Is A Monumentally Stupid Idea  
GA: Do You Really Think That Will Make Juliet Feel Better  
GA: And Third I Have Had It Up To Here With The Self Deprecation  
GA: The Simple Fact That You Are Alive At All Is A Miracle And Yet You Want To Just Throw It Away  
GA: You Are Actually A Talented And Well Off Young Man  
GA: If You Used Your Talents You Might Accomplish Something But Instead You Just Shout Profanities  
GA: Look  
GA: Juliet Is Alive  
GA: Tybalt Would Have Killed You But You Are Also Alive  
GA: And The Prince Could Have Killed You But She Didn’t So You Are Even More Alive  
GA: Count Your Blessings  
GA: Instead Of Sitting There And Pulling Faces Like A Sullen Barkbeast  
GA: Go To Juliet And Comfort Her But Make Sure You Are Out Of Town By Morning  
GA: Then Stay In Mantua While The Rest Of Us Get This Whole Situation Sorted Out  
TG: oh wooooooow  
TG: lady u sure do know how 2 give good advice  
TG: romeo ill tell julie ur comin  
TG: heres a ring she wanted me to give u  
CG: DOES THIS MEAN SHE’S NOT MAD AT ME?  
TG: who can tell   
TG: see u later   
Exit.  
GA: You Should Probably Get Going As Well  
GA: Just Remember To Be Out Of Verona By Dawn  
GA: I Will Send Someone To You With News  
GA: Good Luck And Good Night  
CG: THANKS.

Exeunt.


	18. Act III, Scene 4

III.4 Enter  Lord Capulet [EB], Lady Capulet [TT], and  Paris [CA].

EB: well, unfortunately we haven’t had a lot of time to talk to juliet about you. you know, with her cousin dying and everything. it’s been pretty hard on her.    
EB: i don’t think she’ll see you tonight.   
CA: yeah i guess its pretty rude a me to come courtin wwhen shes in mournin   
CA: madame good night   
CA: commend me to your daughter   
TT: You can rest assured that I will, and that tomorrow morning I’ll figure out what her mind is.    
EB: in fact, we don’t even have to wait until tomorrow!   
EB: i mean, i’m her father, she’ll definitely listen to me. wife, go to her before you go to bed and tell her how much paris loves her and that on – wait, what day is it?   
CA: monday my lord   
EB: hmmmm…   
EB: tell her that on thursday she’ll be married to this noble lord.   
EB: we wont have a big party because of tybalt and all. but what do you think?   
CA: i wwould that thursday wwere tomorroww   
EB: great! thursday it is then.   
EB: wife, make sure you go to juliet and tell her. Bye, paris!   
EB: oh wow, it’s late. i gotta get to bed!

Exeunt.


	19. Act III, Scene 5

III.5 Enter  Romeo [CG] and Juliet [GG] above.

GG: do you really have to go now? :(   
CG: AS MUCH AS IT REALLY FUCKING SUCKS, YEAH.   
GG: boo :(   
GG: are you sure you have to go now, though?    
GG: its not morning yet!   
CG: UM, NO, I THINK IT IS.   
CG: SEE, WHEN THE SKY GETS LIGHT LIKE THAT AFTER NIGHT, THAT’S WHAT WE CALL “MORNING.”   
GG: wow, no need to be an ass! :O   
GG: i was going to be coy and try and keep you here, but if you dont want to do that then fine >:(   
CG: GOSH, I WONDER WHY I WOULD DO SUCH A DESPICABLE THING.   
CG: IT’S NOT LIKE THE PRINCE’S GUARD WILL CHOP MY FUCKING HEAD OFF IF THEY CATCH ME HERE AFTER SUNRISE.   
CG: NO, THAT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN AT ALL!   
CG: HI, JULIET, HOW ARE YOU? GOOD? GOOD! LET’S MAKE OUT!   
GG: no no no you have to go! quickly quickly!   
Enter  Nurse [TG].   
TG: hey julie!   
GG: yeah?   
TG: ur moms gonna come see u   
TG: romeo what the fuck r u doin here still   
TG: step lively   
Exit.   
GG: climb out through the window   
CG: GIVE ME A KISS, AND I’LL GO DOWN.   
He descends.   
GG: you have to promise to write to me!   
CG: I PROMISE.   
GG: do you think well ever see each other again? :(   
CG: I REALLY, REALLY FUCKING HOPE SO.   
GG: oh god :(   
GG: i just got this premonition of you being dead and lying in a tomb   
CG: IT PROBABLY DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING, IT’S JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE UPSET.   
GG: but you look so pale :(   
CG: SO DO YOU.    
CG: I’VE REALLY GOT TO FUCKING GO NOW, BEFORE I GET THE PRINCE’S DOGS ON MY TAIL. I -   
GG: yeah?    
CG: UM. YEAH.   
Exit.    
GG: oh please please please let him be back soon   
She descends. Enter  Lady Capulet [TT].   
TT: Are you up yet?   
GG: yeah, yeah, im up   
GG: isnt it a little early for you?   
TT: Juliet? Is something wrong?   
TT: Ah, I see. You still weep over your cousin’s death.   
GG: yeah, thats it    
TT: You’ll wash him from his grave with tears at this rate. I have to say, it’s getting a little distasteful.   
GG: cant i mourn him a little more in peace?   
TT: Oh, I know what it is. You weep not so much for his death as that the villain that slaughtered him still lives.   
GG: which villain?   
TT: Romeo Montague.   
GG: oh yeah, hes a real villain   
GG: no one upsets me more than him :(   
TT: That is because the traitor murderer still lives.   
GG: so far away from me…   
GG: i wish no one but me could avenge tybalts death!!!   
TT: We will have vengeance, fear not and weep no more. I’ll send to someone in Mantua who will give him such a deadly poison that he’ll soon keep Tybalt company.    
TT: I hope you’ll be satisfied then.   
GG: ill never be satisfied until i see romeo, dead   
GG: is my poor heart   
GG: mom, if you found someone to make a poison, id fix it so that as soon as romeo drank it hed sleep in peace   
GG: i just cant stand hearing his name and not being able to go to him!   
GG: to get vengeance for my cousin, of course   
TT: Right.   
TT: Well, on the other hand, I’ve got good news for you.   
GG: i could use some right about now   
TT: You’re very lucky you’ve got such a loving and caring father. He’s arranged a marriage for you – next Thursday morning, at St. Peter’s Church, to Count Paris.    
TT: I would say that qualifies as news of the decidedly jubilant nature.   
GG: what the fuck???   
GG: im not marrying him! i barely know him!!!   
GG: id rather marry ROMEO than him!   
GG: good news my ass!   
TT: Don’t talk to your mother like that.    
Enter  Lord Capulet [EB] and  Nurse [TG].   
EB: wow, juliet, you’re still crying? haha, that sure is a lot of tears.   
EB: wife, did you tell her our news?   
TT: Oh, I did.   
TT: Precious little thanks I got for it, she refuses to marry Paris.    
EB: what? why the hell not?    
EB: i bet you think you’re too good for him, don’t you!   
GG: nooooo…   
GG: i just dont want to marry him   
EB: you ungrateful little hussy! get out of my house!   
TT: I’m pretty sure that was uncalled for.    
GG: dad, please!   
GG: just listen to me!!!   
EB: no! i’m sick of no one taking what i say seriously! no one ever pays attention to what i say!   
EB: well guess what. no more mister nice guy!   
EB: if you don’t marry paris on thursday, i’ll never talk to you again!   
EB: man, i used to be upset i only had one kid. looks like even that’s a curse!   
TG: sir you need to lay the fuck off your daughter   
TG: shes done nothin wrong   
EB: oh yeah, because you’re so smart. go gossip or something.   
TG: whoa chill   
TG: aint no call to be insultin my intelligence   
EB: just shut the fuck up already.   
TT: I think you need to calm down.   
EB: no way! i work hard day after day after day to get this girl a good marriage, and now that i’ve finally found someone who’s not only wealthy and well-bred but handsome, she turns him down!   
EB: i’m sick to death of this ungrateful shit. if juliet doesn’t marry paris, i’ll kick her out of the house!   
EB: see if i ever do something nice for you again.   
Exit.   
GG: mom, please :(   
GG: can you delay the marriage? just for a month??   
GG: or else my marriage bed might be in the crypt where tybalt lies!   
TT: Really, the histrionics are getting wearisome. I’m done talking to you.   
Exit.   
GG: oh goooooood :(   
GG: nurse, what am i gonna do?   
TG: hell if i know   
TG: look   
TG: romeos banished   
TG: and for all we know hes not comin back   
TG: why dont you just forget him and marry paris?    
TG: hes a better man than romeo imo   
GG: do you really mean that   
TG: cross my heart and hope to die   
GG: i hope you do   
TG: what   
GG: well, youve done a fanfuckingtastic job of cheering me up!   
GG: why dont you go tell mom im going to friar laurences cell for confession   
TG: sure thing   
Exit.   
GG: that old hag! >:(   
GG: talking that way about romeo after she praised him so many times!   
GG: well, guess what, nurse?   
GG: im not sharing any secrets with you any more!!!!   
GG: lets see if the friar actually has any useful advice

Exit.


	20. Act IV, Scene 1

IV.1 Enter Friar Laurence [GA]  and  County Paris [CA].

GA: So You Are Marrying On Thursday  
GA: That Seems Like Rather Short Notice If You Ask Me  
CA: yeah wwell her dad wwants it so  
CA: an you knoww me im not gonna sloww things dowwn  
GA: But You Dont Even Know If She Likes You Or Not  
GA: I Cannot Find Myself Easy With This Turn Of Events  
CA: oh wwell yeah shes spendin a lot a time cryin about tybalt  
CA: im not gonna just barge in an start wwooin her  
CA: aint exactly the wway to a ladys heart  
CA: an anywways her dad thinks the best wway to cheer her up is wwith marriage  
CA: wwho am i to argue wwith my future father in laww  
GA: I Still Dont Like It  
Enter Juliet [GG].  
CA: ah nice to see you here  
CA: my lady an my wwife  
GG: thats when i may be a wife  
CA: that may be must be on thursday next  
GG: what must be shall be  
GA: That I Agree With  
CA: so are you here to confess or wwhat  
GG: if i answered that id be confessing to you :P  
CA: haha hey dont deny to her that you lovve me  
GG: … ill tell her i love someone  
CA: dont be shy wwe both knoww its me  
CA: an do me a favvor stop cryin  
CA: your face is too pretty to ruin wwith tears  
GG: believe me, there’s not much to ruin  
CA: aww no jul dont talk about yourself like that  
GG: why not? its my face  
CA: its mine an youvve slandered it  
GG: friar, are you at leisure now? or should i come back later to confess  
GA: No No I Am Quite At My Leisure  
GA: My Lord Paris If You Could Please Excuse Us  
CA: oh no god shield i should disturb devvotion  
CA: see you on thursday jul  
CA: until then adieu an keep this holy kiss  
Exit.  
GG: ugh! i hope i never have to see him again!!!!  
GG: well, friar? got anything to help me?  
GA: Juliet I Know That On Thursday You Must Be Married To Paris  
GA: I Truly Am Very Sorry  
GG: i dont care if you know or if youre sorry. i just want to know how to stop it!  
GG: because unless you dont, ill kill myself!  
GG: im not bluffing, either. see this knife? ill use it unless you figure out some way to help!  
GG: well  
GG: why arent you talking  
GA: Perhaps If You Would Calm Down And Let Me Think I Could Find A Solution  
GA: I Think I Have One But It Is Dangerous And Not For The Faint Of Heart  
GA: Although If You Were Really Serious About Killing Yourself This Should Be Easy For You  
GG: tell me please!!!  
GG: id rather jump off a tower or be buried alive than marry paris!   
GA: Okay Then Here Is What You Will Do  
GA: Go Home And Say That Youll Marry Paris  
GA: But Tomorrow Night Make Sure You Go To Bed Alone  
GA: And Drink The Potion Inside This Bottle  
GA: Presently You Will Feel A Cold And Drowsy Feeling Running Through Your Veins  
GA: It Will Slow Your Pulse And Your Breath And Lower Your Body Temperature So That You Appear To Be Dead  
GA: Your Family Will Of Course Put You To Rest In The Ancient Capulet Vault  
GA: Where Forty Two Hours Later You Will Wake As From A Deep Sleep  
GA: Meanwhile I Will Send A Letter To Romeo So That He Will Be There When You Wake Up Ready To Take You To Mantua  
GA: Are You Sure You Are Not Afraid To Do This  
GG: scared? no way! give me the bottle!!!  
GA: Fine Here You Go  
GA: I Will Send A Friar To Mantua With The Letter  
GA: Do Not Let Your Resolve Waver  
GG: oh believe me, i wont  
GG: bye!!!

Exeunt.


	21. Act IV, Scene 2

IV.2 Enter  Lord Capulet [EB], Lady Capulet [TT], and  Nurse [TG].

EB: where’s juliet? did she go to friar laurence?  
TG: yep  
EB: heh. maybe she can knock some sense into her.   
Enter  Juliet [GG].   
TG: aw yeah see thre she is  
TG: lookin totes joyous  
EB: where the hell have you been?  
GG: confessing to friar laurence, funnily enough  
GG: youll be happy to know that ive changed my mind. ill marry paris  
EB: wow, really? great!  
GG: yeah, the friar changed my mind  
EB: haha, i really owe her, don’t i.   
EB: man, i can’t wait!  
GG: so i suppose i should go get ready now or something  
GG: you probably want to help me pick out jewelry and a dress and stuff, don’t you nurse  
TG: hell yeah i do  
TG: gonna get your pretty princess on  
TG: turn my little julie into the gosh darn belle o the ball  
Exit  Juliet and  Nurse.  
TT: It’s approaching your bedtime, isn’t it?  
EB: i can’t go to sleep! i’m too excited!   
EB: wow, i can’t believe my little girl is getting married. seems like just yesterday she was only thirteen.  
TT: She still is.  
EB: haha, yeah...  
EB: still, big day on thursday! i gotta make sure everything’s ready.

Exeunt.


	22. Act IV, Scene 3

IV.3 Enter Juliet [GG] and Nurse [TG].

GG: yeah, okay. that looks nice  
TG: nice  
TG: NICE  
TG: gurrrrrrrrrrl this is your WEDDIN were talkin bout  
TG: nice aint gonna cut it   
GG: well, i like it. so there :P  
GG: besides, i’m tired and we can always pick out more things tomorrow  
TG: i just wants to see my baby girl lookin her best is all  
GG: i know :)  
Enter Lady Capulet.  
TT: Do you require any assistance?  
GG: no, im good, thanks   
GG: but nurse still has a ton of ideas, why dont you go talk about them together? take all night if you have to  
TT: All right, but make sure you get plenty of rest.   
TT: I hope I don’t overstep the bounds of maternal propriety when I say you’ll “need it.”  
GG: um, wow, thanks   
Exit  Lady Capulet and  Nurse.  
GG: i dont know when ill ever see you again D:  
GG: no no no i wont get scared, i wont get scared  
GG: but what if the potion doesnt work???? do i still get married????  
GG: no, no way  
GG: this knife will forbid it  
GG: oh no, i just thought…  
GG: what if this potion ACTUALLY kills me? D:  
GG: or what if i wake up before romeo arrives?  
GG: what if im stuck in a tomb full of rotting corpses??? D:   
GG: oh no oh no oh no  
GG: wait, shoosh, calm down  
GG: you got this girl  
GG: you can do this!!!!

Drinks the potion and falls upon her bed.


	23. Act IV, Scene 4

IV.4 Enter  Nurse [TG].

TG: yo julieeeeet   
TG: hey are you still asleep?   
TG: juliet   
TG: JULIET   
TG: damn gurl u goin to sleep through the weddin or what   
TG: hehe u better sleep now cuz ur not gonna get a wink once paris has u u get what im sayin ;)   
TG: juliet   
TG: juliet?   
TG: julie y r u still in ur dress   
TG: juliet…   
TG: OH MY GOD SHES DEAD   
TG: HELP HELXP HELP HELP HELPS   
TG: SHES DEAD OH GOD HO DGO ODF GOD i need a drink OHD DGOD   
Enter Lady Capulet [TT].   
TT: And what is the reason behind all this commotion?   
TG: OH MY GAOD   
TT: Less histrionics and more factual answers, s’il vous plait.   
TG: LOOK!!! :O   
TT: Oh my god.   
TT: Somebody help!   
Enter  Lord Capulet [EB].   
EB: what’s with all the shouting?    
TG: SHES FUCKIGN DEAD WHA T D U MEAN SHORITNG   
EB: oh my god.   
EB: oh my god oh my god OH MY GOD.   
TT: I don’t believe it.   
Enter  Friar Laurence [GA] and Count Paris [CA].    
GA: Paris Expressed A Desire To Stop By Before   
GA: Oh   
GA: I See   
CA: wwhat the fuck   
EB: my daughter’s DEAD!!!   
CA: i thought so long to see the mornin an all i see is this   
TG: o woe o woe o woeful dayyyyy :(   
EB: my child! my child is dead!    
CA: im beguiled divvorced wwronged spited slain   
TG: my girl my bby girl oh abuhuhuahauhbuabhubh :’(   
EB: i can’t believe this!   
TT: With my child my joys are buried…    
GA: I Am Very Sorry For You Loss   
GA: Perhaps It Would Make You Feel Better If I Said She Was In A Better Place   
EB: no, not really…   
EB: fuck.   
EB: guess we’ll have to change all that wedding stuff to a funeral.    
TG: nooooo no funeral :’(   
TT: What must be done, must be done.    
CA: i dont fuckin believve this   
GA: I Really Am Very Sorry   
GA: But There Is Nothing Left To Do Now But Prepare For The Funeral

Exeunt.


	24. Act V, Scene 1

V.1 Enter  Romeo [CG].

CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAD A GOOD FUCKING DREAM FOR ONCE.   
CG: I MEAN, OKAY, YEAH, HAVING A DREAM WHERE YOU’RE DEAD AND YOUR LOVED ONE BRINGS YOU BACK TO LIFE BY *KISSING* YOU LIKE IT’S SOME KIND OF FUCKED-UP FREUDAN FAIRY TALE IS A LITTLE WEIRD, BUT HEY, THAT’S WHAT DREAMS ARE FOR.  
Enter  Balthasar [AC].   
CG: WHAT FUCKING TOOK YOU SO LONG, DID YOU EAT YOUR HORSE ALONG THE WAY OR SOMETHING?  
CG: WHAT NEWS FROM VERONA? HOW’S JULIET? SHE’S GREAT, RIGHT?   
CG: HELLO?  
CG: TELL ME SHE’S DOING FINE…  
AC: :33 < ummmmm…   
AC: :33 < well, her soul is great!  
AC: :33 < s33ing as its surrounded by angels  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING.  
AC: :33 < im really really sorry romeo :((  
AC: :33 < but juliets dead   
CG: WHAT.  
CG: NO.  
CG: NO NO NO YOU’RE FUCKING JOKING THIS ISN’T  
CG: FUCK.   
CG: fucking christ i can't…  
AC: :33 < romeo? :((  
CG: YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT UNIVERSE? FUCK YOU!  
CG: AND YOU, AND YOU!  
CG: BALTHASAR, GO TO THE INN, GET ME INK AND PAPER, AND HIRE A COUPLE OF HORSES. WE’RE LEAVING TONIGHT.  
AC: :33 < *ac doesnt know what romeo is planning but is pawfully worried about how upset he looks*  
CG: I LOOK UPSET? GEE, I WONDER WHY.  
AC: :33 < i just dont think you should do anything without thinking furst  
CG: YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU’RE A SERVANT, AND DO I PAY YOU FOR YOUR ADVICE? NO. I PAY YOU TO DO WHAT I FUCKING TELL YOU!  
AC: :33 < okay :((  
CG: YOU… YOU DON’T HAVE ANY LETTERS FROM FRIAR LAURENCE, DO YOU?  
AC: :33 < no  
CG: FUCKING FIGURES.  
CG: GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE AND HIRE THOSE HORSES.  
Exit Balthasar.  
CG: WELL, JULIET, I’LL BE WITH YOU ONE WAY OR THE OTHER. I JUST HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW.  
CG: OH, FUCK ME SIDEWAYS, THERE’S THAT APOTHECARY WHO LIVES ON THE NEXT STREET OVER.  
CG: SHE MAKES DEADLY POISONS, AND SHE’S CRAZY ENOUGH TO SELL THEM. LOOKS LIKE IT’S TIME TO PAY HER A VISIT.  
CG: HEY, APOTHECARY!  
Enter  Apothecary [AG].  
AG: Who’s calling?  
CG: MY FINE DETECTIVE SKILLS DEDUCE FROM YOUR RAGGED ATTIRE AND UNKEMPT AIR THAT YOU HAVEN’T GOT TWO SHITS TO RUB TOGETHER.  
CG: LOOK, SELL ME POISON AND I’LL GIVE YOU FORTY DUCATS.  
AG: Well, damn, sir, I’d just loooooooove to sell you some, 8ut that’s for8idden 8y Mantuan law!  
AG: And as you can plainly see, I am a good, honest, law-a8iding citizen.  
CG: LIKE HELL YOU YOU ARE.  
CG: YOU’RE STARVING TO DEATH AND YOU WON’T FUCKING SELL ME POISON TO FEED YOURSELF?  
AG: Ugh, FIIIIIIIINE.   
AG: Just give me the money!  
CG: HERE YOU GO.  
AG: Just put this in any liquid and pour it down some sucker’s throat, and he’ll 8e dead in minutes, even if he had the strength of eight men!   
CG: GOOD TO KNOW. JUST TAKE THE GOLD AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.  
AG: Wow, touchy touchy.   
AG: Anything else I can help you with? :::;)  
CG: NO. 

Exeunt.


	25. Act V, Scene 2

V.2 Enter  Friar John [CC].

CC: Friar Laurence, are you )(ere?   
Enter Friar Laurence [GA].   
GA: Hello Friar John   
GA: Do You Have A Message From Romeo   
CC: Yea)(, aboat t)(at.   
CC: T)(e inn I was staying at got quarantined because t)(ey t)(oug)(t some people t)(ere mig)(t )(ave t)(e plague.   
CC: So I couldn’t get to Mantua in time.   
GA: But What About The Letter To Romeo   
CC: I’ve still got it!   
CC: No one would take, t)(ey were afraid of infection.    
GA: This Is Really Bad News   
GA: That Letter Was Incredibly Important And I Am Afraid Of What Might Happen Now That Romeo Has Not Read It   
GA: I Need You To Get Me A Crowbar   
CC: W)(at? W)(y?   
GA: Just Do It   
Exit  Friar John.   
GA: Looks Like It Is Up To Me To Get Juliet Out Of The Tomb When She Wakes Up   
GA: I Think I Will Just Hide Her With Me In My Cell Until Romeo Comes   
GA: Hopefully He Gets His Letter Soon

Exit.  



	26. Act V, Scene 3

V.3 Enter  Paris [CA].

CA: here i am in the gravveyard at the capulet monument  
CA: an buried inside is juliet  
CA: swweet swweet juliet  
CA: hey i brought you some flowwers  
CA: guess uh  
CA: you dont care that much  
CA: seein as your dead  
CA: i could wweep here evvery day if you wwant  
CA: hold the fuck up someones comin  
Enter  Romeo [CG]  and  Balthasar [AC].   
CG: GIVE ME THAT CROWBAR.   
CG: HERE, TAKE THIS LETTER AND GIVE IT TO MY DAD.   
CG: AND SO HELP ME, IF YOU INTERFERE WITH WHAT I AM DOING I WILL RIP YOU A THIRD HOLE.   
CG: WHAT I’M DOING, OF COURSE, JUST SO THAT YOU KNOW I AM BEING TOTALLY SANE AND NOT DOING ANYTHING DANGEROUS WHATSOEVER, IS GOING IN AND GETTING A RING I GAVE JULIET, BUT I NOW NEED IT BACK.   
CG: NOW LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.  
AC: :33 < *ac hides in the bushes because she is worried what romeo might do*  
CG: ALL RIGHT, YOU SHITSMEARED FUCKLUMP ASSFACE MONKEY ZOMBIE HOUSE.   
CG: TIME TO CRACK YOU OPEN AND SEE IF YOU CAN HOLD ONE MORE POX-SPATTERED CORPSE.   
CA: wwhat the fuck   
CA: isnt this douche the same montague that killed tybalt thereby causin my belovved to die a grief  
CA: exactly wwhat kind a sick fuckery is he plannin  
CA: hey montague stop wwhat youre doin right noww  
CA: unless you havve a death wwish  
CG: WOW, LOOK AT THAT. I DO! HOW FUCKING CONVENIENT FOR EVERYBODY.  
CA: dont be sarcastic wwith me  
CG: DO I LOOK LIKE I’M FUCKING JOKING.   
CG: GET OUT OF HERE NOW BEFORE I RIP YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF AND USE IT AS A DISH TOWEL.  
CA: oh so thats howw its gonna be  
They draw and fight.  
AC: :33 < oh shit  
Exit.  
CA: wwhoa  
CA: hey  
CA: i think you killed me  
CA: look do me a favvor an put me in the tomb next to juliet  
CA: please  
He dies.  
CG: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE.  
CG: OH.   
CG: WHAT DO YOU KNOW, IT’S PARIS. MERCUTIO’S COUSIN AND JULIET’S BETROTHED.  
CG: LIKE FUCK I’M PUTTING YOUR MEATSACK ANYWHERE NEAR HER.   
He opens the tomb.   
CG: OH, NO.  
CG: OH, JULIET…  
CG: YOU… YOU DON’T EVEN LOOK DEAD.   
CG: YOU’RE FUCKING *DEAD* AND YOU’RE STILL THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I’VE EVER SEEN…  
CG: JULIET, I… I’M SORRY.  
CG: I’M SORRY ABOUT TYBALT, I’M SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING.   
CG: NONE OF THIS SHOULD HAVE EVER FUCKING HAPPENED, AND IT’S ALL MY FAULT.   
CG: AND YEAH, IT’S A LITTLE LATE FOR ME TO APOLOGIZE, I GET THAT.   
CG: THERE’S NOT A WHOLE FUCKING LOT I CAN DO.  
CG: BUT, IF IT’S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU, I’LL JUST – UH – STAY HERE. AND THEN MY GHOST CAN GUARD YOU FOREVER AND MAYBE YOU WON’T FEEL SO ALONE.   
CG: I JUST  
CG: FUCK.   
CG: I’M LEAVING BEHIND THIS SHITTY-ASS UNIVERSE. EYES, LOOK YOUR LAST, ARMS, TAKE YOUR LAST EMBRACE, AND LIPS…  
He kisses her.  
CG: SUCK MY DICK, UNIVERSE.  
Drinks the poison.   
CG: HOLY FUCK THAT STUFF IS STRONG.  
CG: I –  
CG: SHIT –  
Dies.  
Enter Friar Laurence [GA]  and  Balthasar [AC].  
AC: :33 < he was just over this way!   
GA: How Long Has He Been Here  
AC: :33 < *ac twitches her whiskers and thinks maybe half an hour*  
GA: Oh Dear  
GA: Is That  
GA: Why Is There Blood On The Ground  
AC: :33 < im going to get more help!  
Exit.  
GA: Oh No Romeo  
GA: And Paris Too  
GA: I Am So Very Sorry  
GA: Ah  
GA: Juliet  
GG: wow, i havent slept like that in ages  
GG: hello, friar :)  
GG: wheres romeo?   
GA: He Is  
GA: Uh  
GA: Um  
GG: AAAAAHHHHH!!!! D:  
GA: I See You Found Him  
GA: Oh Paris Is Dead Is Well  
GA: Juliet Please Come With Me So I Can Take You To Stay With Some Nuns I Know  
GA: Or At Least Just Get Out Of Here  
GA: Juliet  
GA: Time Is Not On Our Side  
GG: leave me   
GA: No  
GG: I said leave me  
GG: im not fucking budging  
GA: I  
GA: Um  
GA: Okay  
Exit.  
GG: romeo, what did you DOOOOO :’(  
GG: what is this? is this poison?  
GG: why didn’t you leave any for me :’(  
GG: if i kiss you, will there be enough poison to kill me?  
She kisses him.  
GG: your lips are still warm… :’(  
GG: oh boohoohoooo :’(  
GG: at least theres a knife!   
GG: this is your sheath! there rust, and let me die!!!!  
She stabs herself and dies.  
Enter  Balthasar [AC]  and  First Watchtroll [CG] with others.   
CG: wh4t 1s 4ll th1s?   
CG: rom3o 4ND p4r1s d34d???  
CG: som3on3 go 4l3rt th3 pr1nc3! you, t3ll th3 c4pul3ts, 4nd you, t3ll th3 mont4gu3s!  
Enter  Second Watchtroll [AG] and  Friar Laurence [GA].  
AG: Well, lo+o+k who+ I fo+und here.   
AG: It’s a friar, and bo+y do+es she lo+o+k nervo+us.  
CG: s33ms h1ghly susp1c1ous to m3!  
GA: I Can Explain  
Enter the Prince [GC] with attendants.   
GC: YOU H4D 4LL B3TT3R H4V3 4 V3RY GOOD R34SON FOR G3TT1NG M3 OUT OF B3D TH1S 34RLY  
Enter Lord Capulet [EB] and  Lady Capulet [TT].  
EB: what’s going on? i’m hearing all sorts of things in the street!  
TT: There appears to be a general hubbub.   
GC: 1F SOM3ON3 DO3S NOT T3LL M3 WH4T 1S GO1NG ON TH3R3 W1LL B3 4 PUBL1C H4NG1NG V3RY SHORTLY  
CG: rom3o and p4r1s 4r3 both d34d, your h1ghness. 4lso jul13t, who w3 thought w4s d34d, 4pp34rs to h4v3 b33n fr3shly sl41n.   
EB: she’s bleeding!  
EB: what the fuck, she’s BLEEDING!!  
EB: she was dead two days ago!!!  
TT: I’m so tired…  
Enter  Lord Montague [AT].  
GC: W3LL MR MONT4GU3 YOU 4R3 UP BR1GHT 4ND 34RLY  
AT: i, uHHH,,  
AT: mY WIFE’S, dEAD,,  
AT: fROM, uH, gRIEF, aT rOMEO’S EXILE,  
AT: wHAT IS ALL THIS,,  
GC: LOOK 4ND YOU SH4LL S33  
AT: i, uHHH,,,  
AT: oH, mY gOD,,  
GC: NOBODY L34V3S H3R3 UNT1L 1 H4V3 TH3 TRUTH  
GC: 4ND TH3N JUST1C3 W1LL B3 D34LT  
GC: SW1FTLY!  
GC: YOU TH3R3 FR14R WH4T 1S YOUR D3F3NS3  
GA: I Am Not Sure If I Have Actually Broken Any Laws  
GA: But Here Is The Story Anyway  
GA: Romeo And Juliet Were Married By Me  
GA: Unfortunately That Was Also The Day That Tybalt Died  
GA: When She Was Told She Had To Marry Paris She Came To Me For A Plan  
GA: My Solution Was To Give Her A Potion That She Would Drink Which Would Make Her Appear To Be Dead  
GA: Romeo Would Then Sneak In When The Potion Wore Off And Take Her Away With Him  
GA: Unfortunately The Letter That Explained All Of This To Romeo Was Never Delivered  
GA: So I Came Here When She Was Supposed To Wake Up Instead  
GA: And Lo And Behold What Do I Find But Both Romeo And Paris Dead  
GA: When Juliet Woke Up I Asked Her To Come With Me But She Refused  
GA: I Am Ashamed To Admit I Was Afraid So I Fled  
GA: Juliets Nurse Also Knows About The Marriage If You Want To Ask Her  
GC: TH3 FR14R’S T3ST1MON14L SM3LLS OF HON3STY!  
GC: MS S3RV1NGTROLL TO ROM3O WH4T DO YOU S4Y?  
AC: :33 < *ac is very sorry to say that she is the one who told romeo juliet was dead!*  
AC: :33 < *ac also has a letter romeo gave her to give to his father*  
GC: G1V3 1T TO M3  
GC: DO3S 4NYON3 KNOW WHY P4R1S W4S H3R3  
AC: :33 < i think to put flowers in front of juliets tomb  
GC: TH3 3V1D3NC3 CORROBOR4T3S TH3 FR14R’S STORY  
GC: 1T 4PP34RS TH3 D3C34S3D MONT4GU3 PURCH4S3D 4 PO1SON 1N M4NTU4 WH1CH H3 TH3N DR4NK H3R3 4ND D13D  
GC: W3LL MR C4PUL3T 4ND MR MONT4GU3  
GC: 1 TH1NK W3 C4N S33 WH4T K1ND OF JUST D3SS3RTS YOU H4V3 B33N S3RV3D FOR YOUR R1D1CULOUS F3UD!  
GC: 1 MYS3LF H4V3 4LSO LOST TWO OF MY K1NSTROLLS 4S PUN1SHM3NT FOR MY L3N13NCY  
EB: oh, um…  
EB: i am so terribly sorry.   
EB: montague, please shake my hand. i promise neither i nor anyone in my family will fight you again.  
AT: i, tOO, mUST APOLOGIZE,,  
AT: aND, uHH, hOPE YOU CAN, fORGIVE ME,,  
GC: 4 GLOOM1NG P34C3 TH1S MORN1NG W1TH 1T BR1NGS  
GC: GO H3NC3 TO H4V3 MOR3 T4LK OF TH3S3 S4D TH1NGS!  
GC: SOM3 SH4LL B3 P4RDON3D 4ND SOM3 PUN1SH3D FOR N3V3R W4S TH3R3 4 STORY OF MOR3 WO3 TH4N TH1S OF JUL13T 4ND H3R ROM3O

Exeunt. 


End file.
